1000 Virgin Mares,1 Frickin' Badass Dark Overdude,Infinite Facehoofing
by Pen-Mightier
Summary: They say everything has a price, even the return of dark overlords. Apparently in Sombra's case said worth is 1000 mares. Virgin mares. But when the dark lord they wanted wasn't available, the universe got the next best thing - a human dude. Now an inquisition is out to get them, both him and the 1000 'blasphemers' involved in his resurrection. Can the Overdude live up to his name?
1. The Evil Overdude Awakens

_Usual Disclaimer: My little Pony and all its characters are the intellectual properties of Hasbro and the awesomeful Faust. Me? I'm just the guy who dances on keyboards and enjoys every moment of it._

_Not much else to say, hope you all enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!  
_

* * *

_Ahem..._

_Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies._

_I don't know why I'm reading this to you. This would have sounded much better narrated by Morgan Freeman. Pity he's in the next universe over, plus I doubt he accepts payment in bits. So sorry, you're kind of stuck with me. And yeah, I can tell you're already familiar with the story, even without you staring at me blankly like that. You know what happens next. Little sister likes that place where the sun don't shine. She gets upset that nopony else shares her interests. Little sister gets jealous and does what every angry little sister does on a juvenile temper tantrum, kick their big sister's sun-loving-butt straight into the sun, lock her butt away in a fiery sun prison and shove the key where her sister don't shine. Which by then was pretty much all of the world._

_Hmm, what's the frown for? What, you don't like that place where the sun don't shine? Well, people got used to it quite fast. Cause the little sister went all the way after that. Dressed all in black, called herself some really goth name. 'Nightmare Moon', I think it was. By now you could easily gather that she gets off from shoving stuff where the sun don't shine, so she decided to go and give the rest of the world all seven flavours of stuff-shoving. She led the 1000 armies of her Equestrian Empire on a dark crusade to quite literally own the entire known world. Empires, kingdoms, cities, towns, homesteads and every whorehouse, outhouse, hen house and birdhouse in Equus, nothing was spared her epic hard-on for world conquest._

_Finally she came knocking on the last free kingdom on the planet, some backwater place everyone almost forgot about called 'Talicon'. By then, her people, ponykind, were already known across the world as the 'pony scourge' (they were known as many other things but to save repetition they were mostly every possible synonym for 'butt' and 'sex' and combinations thereof). Unfortunately for her somegod called Ahuizotl didn't quite see eye to eye with her and decided to show her where she should stick it. He made the Taliconians, a race of felines called the 'Felis', his 'Chosen' people, and bestowed upon six of them his 'Elements of Order'. Together they defeated Nightmare Moon and her pony scourge. Nightmare Moon ate moon dirt for the next 1000 years while the pony menace was finally put to the service of good to forever atone for their sins._

_Happily Ever After. The End._

_Or so it was for Ahuizotl and his chosen Felis for the next 1000 years._

_The ponies, meanwhile, were reduced to slaves, blinkered and harnessed in the service of their Felis masters. Bereft of their freedom, their dreams and hopes, they became just that, creatures of burden. Long have they forgotten how they used to wear their hopes and dreams proudly upon their backs, how they would show off their marks as proof of their special talents and abilities._

_And then it all went wrong. After 1000 years of blank flanks the marks began appearing again, spreading like a plague amongst the ponies. The Ahuizotl inquisitors saw this as a sign of demon worship of the twin devils Nightmare Moon and Celestia. They responded swiftly, beginning a new age of witch-hunting to hunt down every single one of these 'abominations unto Ahuizotl'._

_It was during this age of terror that one mad unicorn sorceress, in a desperate bid for vengeance, turned to ponykind's worst nightmare...and possibly last hope. She would gather a sacrifice worthy of the greatest demon to ever ravage Equus, 1000 virgin mares, and offer them in a rite to summon the Dark Overlord of the Crystal Mountains back to Equus._

_Yeah, definitely should've gotten Morgan Freeman for this. Narrating my own epic accident feels awkward as heck._

* * *

_"Awaken, o'lord!" _A voice, a very loud and rather screeching one, bellowed. It certainly achieved what it set out to do. It woke me up.

Well, almost. I wasn't going to make it that easy.

"...5 more minutes..." I muttered in determined defiance, turning over uneasily.

_"Awaken, for thy time hath cometh at last!"_

I groaned. My alarm clock was being very talkative today. And 'com_eth_'? From the sounds of it, constipated too. I didn't like that, not at all. "...20 more minutes."

_"1000 years thou hath slumbered in thy prison. But no more! Arise, O'dark overlord!"_

1000 years?! What in holy macaroons was my snooze button set to?! Forget late to work, I'm late for the whole universe!

You know what, sod it. I'm pretty sure all those pizza deliveries are long overdue by now. I don't know what 1000 years does to mozarella cheese (and I don't want to find out) but I'm pretty sure the crusts are harder than steel by now.

_"Awaken! Rise! Open sesame!" _The voice shouted, a hint of urgency creeping into it.

I heard you the first time, jeez.

The impatient tapping on the ground outside told me the voice was not impressed with my morning habits._"There must be a part I'm missing...the key to a heart frozen for 1000 long years...Ah! Yes, off course, the sacrifice!"_ Something made a snap of inspiration. _"With this most humble offering of one thousand untainted and willing virgins upon thy throne to welcome thee back unto thy realm, we bid thee grace Equus once more with thy greatness!"_

'Wait, what, where?!' I sat up abruptly, my eyes fluttering open with a start. That most certainly got my attention. So did the really hard thing I banged my head against as I got up.

_"Err..." _The voice began, uncertain. From the sounds of it she had heard my little accident. _"My lord...is that you?" _Yep, she had.

"I think so." I answered blearily, feeling rather stupid as I blinked away the pain. There was only darkness in here. I certainly hope that knock hadn't done away with my vision. I had things I had to...visually appreciate!

A little bit of light shone through into the darkness helpfully. My adjusting eyes quickly clapped upon the source, a little crack in the low ceiling of whatever it was I was lying on. Or in, as it were. Whatever it was, it looked like my expert use of my head had dislodged it a little. Go me.

I reached up and found that while it was heavy, it slid off quite easily. Ah, it was a lid. On a...a coffin, really? Aw, man, I told them not to have my funeral without me. And what's with this coffin? It looks like a pigeon doo magnet, all boring stone engravings and stuff, like something that belonged in the Flintstones.

With a shove I slid the rest of it all the way. There was a resounding crash as the lid slammed into the ground. A few gasps and cries joined the echoes bouncing off the high shadowy ceilings above. Sounded like at least 1000 feminine voices to me. This was promising. Hopefully they weren't all echoes.

So, random voice shouting at me to wake up. There's talk of a sacrifice to me. There's 1000 possible virgins involved. And I'm in a coffin.

It looks like I found a dream worth rolling with. Must have been all the nachos and ice cream I had before bed.

I threw my best hand forwards into the dusty air, attracting a few more gasps and cries. Then, grasping the edge, I heaved myself up. Ouch, the stiffness in my limbs almost felt real as I pulled myself up to my full height.

Cries, gasps, now even screams with added whimpers. Yeah, I'm getting better at this.

I hope it wasn't my bed hair. Last time this happened at summer camp they called in the wild animal containment squad.

_"Omigoshomigoshomigosh it's a humaaaan!" _There was an excited squee amongst the crowd amidst all the screams.

_"Lyra, ssssshhh!"_ Another voice hushed urgently.

"Behold! Thy new master hath awoken and walks amongst his chosen herd once again!" The voice declared to a new wave of fearful whimpering.

I turned to face my very tenacious alarm clock sitting next to my coffin bed thing. Except my alarm clock had grown what looked like four legs, a pair of ears, even long flowing fiery red and gold...is that a mane? and it's even evolved a tail of the same fearsome hue? And it had even developed some sort of crazy cultist streak about it. But, most strikingly, it had evolved a mouth. A very loud one.

"Do not run!" It roared. There was a rush of loud clanking and clinking. Something in my alarm clock's mane glowed an ominous blazing blue. Chains, enveloped in a ghostly cerulean glow, rose out of the darkness and rushed forth through the air into the darkness below us. More shrieks and cries from the shadows below sailed up to us. "Why would thou runnest from thine own Master's glorious presence?! Face thy master, embrace thy fate!"

"Phew..." She (yes, I decided she was a 'she'. Nothing with balls can sound that cute and feisty) wiped some sweat off what seemed to be her forehead before turning a pair of sapphire-tinted orbs up towards me.

Then she recoiled, falling over backwards onto her hindlegs as she raised a foreleg to shield herself, "Eeeeeeep..." She squeaked.

"Err...are you...alright?" I ventured awkwardly.

"Uuh, s-sorry, my most gracious lord, I w-was s-simply...er...taken aback...umm...by awe and awestruckness at your awesomefulness." She said clumsily, sliding into more modern speech in her anxiety as she scrabbled back onto her...feet? Hooves? "O'lord, you have chosen a form most unsightly, hideous and repulsive!" Each word was a poisoned blade in my feeble pride. "One most fitting for a dark lord of your stature!"

She pulled out a folded sheet of paper and peered down at it, glancing up at me periodically. "Hmm...same hair, same grin, same stare...more or less the right ballpark." It wouldn't be until much later that it occured to me to ask her just how insanely big that ballpark was. "The ugliness must be a little flaw in the summoning canticles and peripherals. Probably didn't need the fourth crystal shadow. Should've gone with muffins and duct tape." She nodded to herself.

"Look, I know my last shower was probably 1000 years ago, but no need to be that hurtful." I mutter, flattening my unruly hair as best as I could.

"I bid thee welcome, our new dark lord and master." She quickly regained her composure and did what I suppose was a four-legged curtsey as she bobbed low in reverence. Gotta hand it to her, she recovers fast, for someone who looked as if she had just seen Cthulhu himself.

I need a haircut, maybe do without a tentacle or two.

I shrugged and just rolled with it. I've had to roll with worse on waking up. A crazy cultist in the shape of a fiery gold and yellow firebomb on legs revering me as a dark lord was quite tame by comparison. Heck, I even had my clothes on.

Right?

A quick check confirmed the presence of a pair of dark grey pants and a black turtleneck upon my person. A new personal record.

My lack of an immediate reaction seemed to prompt my alarm clock to open her mouth once more. "I am Starswirl the Bearded the 12.5th, your most humble and loyal servant, o'lord." She gave me a conspiratorial side-glance and added in a hushed whisper, "But you may call me Sunset Shimmer, in private."

"Bearded?" I peer at her up and down, trying to find this elusive beard. Must be some kind of species-specific anatomical variation. She seemed to blush quite visibly from this, if that tint of rosy red about her muzzle is indeed a blush.

"A vestigial ancestral thing." She explained with a cough, "Etymological, not, in actual fact, biological." She added, quickly.

"And...12.5?" I raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"One of my ancestors decided to attempt magical asexual reproduction, m'lord." She cleared her throat uncomfortably, louder than before, "Bit of a long story."

"Dunwannahearit" I say quickly.

"But he had always been a bit of a narcissist." She was quick to add with a wave of a han-...was that a hoof?

"...awkward." I intoned, giving her a sympathetic look. I'd pat her on the...somewhere if I knew where to pat. Ancestors, they never really think things through sometimes. Some of us have to live down their inheritances, y'know.

"Indeed." She shook her head sadly.

"So, uhh..." I begin, feeling a touch of hope amidst the rather confusing chaos, one I decided to roll with until something better came up, "Where are the 1000 virgins?" I asked, shamelessly. Hey, it's a start. A promising one, I might add. Yeah, sue me for looking out for number 1.

"Right here before you, o'lord!" She waved a hoof out towards the sea of darkness before us. As if on cue, a series of glow-y crystal thingies set in stone braziers high up on the walls lit up, flooding the grand chamber in a cascade of bright light. I took in our surroundings for the first time. Glowing spires of blue and purple crystal rose all around us, twining together above us to form a magnificent crystalline dome so dizzyingly high I almost triggered my fear of heights just looking up. Beyond them masses of interwoven gems formed mighty walls that enclosed the chamber in their prismatic light.

More shrieks and cries of fear and doom and many other side-effects of wanton evil permeated the cavernous hall. I cast my eyes down and found the source, our audience. They seemed like more variants of my alarm clock, all in various colours and flavours of manes and tails. Some even had what looked like wings. And the penny finally dropped as I realized what my alarm clock and all her lookalikes were - horses. Technicolour horses. Well, small horses, but definitely horses.

And yeah, technicolour. It was like a mix-and-match gum-drop bag of sacrificial offerings. Yep, there must a thousand of them in here. I can feel their stares threatening to set my hair on fire.

1000 virgins, huh? Yep, it had been too good to be true. I must be moving from the ice cream phase to the nacho phase of my dream cycle. I could almost feel the jalapeno punch line sock me in the libido. Like the worst pun punchline ever, it was in the truest sense of the word a night_mare_.

"Err...are you done horsing around?" I ask in one last valiant attempt at hope, oh foolish hope. Something inside me died from the horrific pun. It shall not be missed. "Are the virgins hiding behind those horses or something? Cause, you know, they don't have to be shy or anything."

"Er...my lord...they are ponies." My most loyal and humble servant said, confirming my despair "And they are all virgin mares too, might I add. All 1000 of them."

I couldn't help but raise an inquisitive eyebrow.

"I checked. Personally." She added, as if it helped. There was mass blushing at this, a few indignant hoof stomps, even low growls. No. Noooo. Dudete, just, no, just just, no. "I even went ahead and picked out the crème of the crop for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, these blossoms definitely rank 'I'd tap dat plot'."

I have no understanding of equine sexuality, but did you just come out of the closet in front of an entire audience of sacrificial offerings to some evil overlord person?

Huh, what a liberal world my dream had landed me in.

From the looks of things this evil outfit wouldn't even need a great hero to vanquish it. This little creep was doing well enough digging her own grave. I, for one, was not keen on hanging around to join her, even if it was just a rather odd nightmare.

"I'm going back to sleep." I muttered, lowering myself back into my bed. Hopefully the next dream I stopped at featured at least some quality entertainment, maybe something involving wet paint and bubble wrap.

Hmmm...bubble wrap.

"Err...umm, wait! M'lord! T-that was but y-your appetizer, a mere taste of the main dish!" My most loyal servant squeaked nervously.

Well, since I was here, I might as well. "Alright." I wave a hand at her to continue, "Do show me."

"With pleasure, m'lord." She said, waving a hoof. Something amidst her mane glowed again. The chains appeared again, this time pulling a struggling little conga line of...

"What are those?" I ask, squinting at the struggling and crying shapes below.

"Fillies, m'lord." My servant replied, simply.

"Like...younger mares? Is that it?" I blink, "What am I supposed to do with them, exactly?" They looked about the size and general shape of footballs. They even looked like they'd bounce.

"Uhh...welll..." My loyal servant sighed, creeping up close and raising a hoof to my ear.

_Whisper...whisper...whisper..._

"Uhuh..." I nod.

_Whisper...whisper...whisper..._

"Wait, what, cheese sandwiches? From where?"

_Whisper.._.*deep breath*.._..whisper..._

"Dudette!" I snapped, reeling back from my servant in horror, "the flying macaroons is wrong with you?!"

"I have learned of your deepest and darkest secrets, things that would make the skin of even the most fearsome manticores crawl, oh darkest and most evil of dread lords." My servant placated me with all the wrong platitudes.

"You got my skin crawling alright." I mutter, shivering.

"Oh, if it helps, I also got your number one assistant's approval on the selection." She added. Ah, it was reassuring to know my beauty pageant panel consisted of two. _Not_. If anything I had twice the number of hands dilligently digging the grave. Looks like it's going to be a rather crowded one too.

More importantly, does my number one assistant even know my taste in sacrificial virgins? Alright, sure, I had very little experience in the matter, but if I did I'd have very rigorous standards. Not to be racist or anything, but they'd be more or less the same species for starters.

But ah well, I'm probably being too harsh. Picking out sacrificial virgins, 1000 of them no less, can't be a regular thing even for an assistant to an evil overlord, so I suppose I'll hand him or her points for effort. I'm generous like that. I couldn't help but wonder what this number 1 assistant looked like. The image of a simpering little hunchback groaning 'Iiiiigooor' appeared in my mind.

"Crystal Heart!" My loyal servant shouted. "Hey, Crystal Heart, wake up!"

_"Nnnnghhh?"_ A soft, sleepy little moan, which would've been cute had it not been so loud it echoed and shook the entire room. _"What is it now, Sunny...?"_ The voice bellowed sleepily, if that was even possible.

"C-Crystal Heart, turn down the volume!" My servant shouted over the echoes.

_"Oh..."_ The voice shook the chamber once more. _"...Better?" _The voice, smaller, quieter, just as sleepy, came from right behind me.

I turned around to find myself blinded by a blast of prismatic light. It left me blinking out sunspots out of my eyes as the light dissipated, leaving behind yet another...pony was it? This one sported a coat and mane of cyan blue that seemed to shimmer and flow under the light. The theme seemed to include her wings and...was that a spiral-grooved horn poking out of her puffy mane?

Huh, looks like evil creepy hunchbacks are at a premium here. Instead I get the adorably cute evil dark overlord assistant package. Well, as long as it knows where we keep the lightning rods, it's cool.

"Crystal Heart?" My servant finally said after a moment of silence following the apparition of my number one assistant. "Hey, Crytal Heart? Cr-..." She was cut off by a little snore. The little creature hadn't been around for but a moment before she had resumed snoozing on her forehooves. "Wake up!" She snapped. "You've already slept in for 1000 years! Can't you be awake for at least one day?!"

I take it back. If this was my number 1 assistant, I'd hate to see the number 2. Going by trend, it's probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

_"T-the crystal h-heart...?" _A voice spoke up in the audience.

_"What is it, Twilight darling?"_

_"That's the crystal heart, one of the most powerful magical artifacts in Equus! But I thought it was destroyed with Sombra."_

_"Well, egghead, looks like you're wrong for once."_

_"Hey! That period of history is almost a closed book to everypony in Equus! Even my knowledge is considered..."_

"Can the peanut gallery kindly SHUT UP?!" My servant bellowed, "And you, Crystal Heart, wake up I say!"

"Nnnnghhh...?" My number 1 assistant groaned, groggily, "Oh...welcome back, Master." She said, noticing me. She got up onto her hooves only to bob down again to give me a low bow.

"So...uhh, Crystal Heart, he's the one, is he?" My servant whispered aside to my assistant.

"..." My assistant squinted at me through sleepy deep blue eyes, eyebrows furrowing as she tried to make me out in her grogginess. "He'll do." She finally said, "Yes, he's the Emperor of the Crystal Empire." She waved a hoof dismissively as she sank back into a stupor.

That...wasn't the most reassuring ascension to power I've ever seen. And neither was my 'most loyal' servant doubting me. But ah well, I'll take what I can get in this dream. Besides, my personal experience with leaders rising tend to involve either heads getting chopped off or, worse, voting, so who am I to complain?

If this is the second opinion in my sacrificial offering selection, I couldn't help but begin to worry for my life, just a little.

"The Crystal Heart hath spoken! The Emperor of the Crystal Empire rises once more! You, his chosen herd, shall be exalted amongst ponykind for your service in our race's glorious return to power!" My servant bellowed to the audience with renewed fervour. "With our own nation finally secured we shall carve ourselves a home for ponykind in Equus!"

You're serious? You're really deciding the evil overlord based on the word of this half-comatose snooze-ball? Why couldn't anybody ever take _me_ this seriously?

"Too loud..." Crystal Heart muttered, flopping over in her sleep.

"So, you helped in this...selection?" I asked, raising a quizzical eyebrow, as the speech went on with spitting gusto.

"Yes, yes." Crystal Heart mumbled, waving another dismissive hoof sleepily. "I have a discerning eye for quality. My imperative comes from the Emperor himself. Priority 1, 'Plot', Priority 2, 'Lots of Plots', Priority 3, 'Dat Plot'."

"...very simple." I finally managed to remark. I was quickly coming to a conclusion - The last emperor was a bit of a dick.

"I like simple." She rolled over onto her back, yawning. "You stand in the remains of the Crystal Empire, greatest of nations of Equus." She began to explain, as if by rote. "I am the Crystal Heart. Mine is the great labour of maintaining the day to day functions of this Empire for my Masters. However it has been reduced to a frozen ruin following my disconnection from my previous Master. This may have had something to do with him being disintegrated to a sub-harmonic level which, I assure you Master, I was not involved in at all. Sunset Shimmer reactivated me pending the summoning of my new Master. Now that you are here and I have awoken proper I shall initiate the Empire's post-disaster revitalization protocol. Our first priority, for the Empire to return to full civic functioning, a population of at least 5.000 citizens will be necessary. For additional military functionality and the necessary infrastructure to sustain it, 10.000 citizens will be necessary. The n of 1000 as a starting seed population was chosen to allow a sustainable and balanced growth curve to achieve our target within the most efficient timeframe." She explained smoothly, before yawning again.

"Wait...you're implying...?" I blink, mouth drying, horror dawning. "Besides the obvious biological hitch in your plan, me being the wrong species and all that, you're kind of ignoring the most obvious variable."

"What?" Crystal Heart muttered, suddenly looking irritable. She didn't seem to like people questioning her or her elephants in the room.

"The male variable, with an n of 1." I point out.

"Oh, the Emperor personally inputted that variable as a constant." She explained, airily.

"Oh, and what is it?" I asked, skeptically.

"He defined his virility as 'infinity'." She said, dead serious.

Alright, I stand corrected, this Emperor guy isn't a bit of a dick, he's a pretty big dick, and not in that way either.

"Can I correct that variable?" I ask.

"Are you making a humble and embarrassing confession, Master?" She gave me a questioning look.

"Okay, no." Dammit, stupid pride.

"Good." Crystal Heart nodded with satisfaction, "While I do not expect you to make us proud, I will at least expect some measure of satisfactory performance."

"No pressure, huh?" I chuckle uneasily.

"I proclaim no conflict of interest in the matter. It is not like the love generated towards you by your followers is my primary source of power." Crystal Heart said, offhand.

"Wait what?" I blink, "Are you really..." I found my voice trailing off as the speech ripped my attention back with all the force of a bull in a firestation.

"...his prowess great, his virility vast, his lust so passionate no less than 10 mares a night is enough to sate his appetite!" My loyal servant's enthusiastic speech to the audience had caught up with the topic at hand. How it got from nation building to here was a roadmap I probably did not want to follow.

Wait, 10 what?

I turn to look at Crystal Heart for the dreaded confirmation.

"Yes, 10. It's the minimum variable stipulated by the previous Emperor." My assistant helpfully supplied.

This Emperor person needs help. Probably of the psychiatric kind, if not the punch-to-the-face kind.

You know what, I'm not even going to argue.

"This Crystal Empire was once led by the dread Emperor Sombra." My loyal servant said. Ah, so that's the name of the dick whose shoes I'm stepping into. At least it was an easy one to carve into an epitaph. "That was until he was defeated by the hands of Nightmare Moon and her 1000 armies of Equestria. You all know the story, 1000 years ago in her jealousy of Celestia and her day, Nightmare Moon rose up and cast her sister into the sun. But her appetite for conquest did not end there. No, she lead ponykind in a glorious crusade to conquer the known world, all of Equus. Ponykind was not just mighty then, no, we were conquerors, valiant, fearsome! We were not mere beasts of burden, blinkered and harnessed like pack mules! We were a free race who lived with dignity and pride!"

"We live this way for our sins!" A voice spoke up in the crowd, "Lord Ahuizotl could have destroyed us all with Nightmare Moon 1000 years ago when He saved all of Equus! But His mercifulness spared us and allowed us to live and serve His empire in atonement!"

"They are not our sins to bear!" Sunset Shimmer had brought herself to her full height, her brilliant fiery eyes glowering with a fearsome force of will. She stomped a hoof imperiously as she continued, "We live now, as slaves to our masters, for a crime that had died 1000 years ago with the last of Nightmare Moon's army! But no more! No more shall we live stomped underhoof! No more will we live in fear for the lives of our loved ones! It is_our_ turn! With a dark lord of our own, we shall now rise once more and reap vengeance upon this world!"

"Err...excuse me, what does this glorious plan of yours involve?" I couldn't help but interrupt. "I mean, I get all the vengeance and stuff, but in what exact shape or form, really?"

"Simple. A crusade of darkness and evil that will leave the slaver Empire in flaming smoking ruins!" She declared, "Lead by your glorious self, off course, o'lord!"

"Err..." I begin, uncertain, not knowing how to exactly put it into words. It was simple, certainly, maybe to a fault. "I don't do flaming ruins and darkness and stuff." I say, deciding to keep it simple. "All that smoke and darkness' kind of hard on the emission taxes, not to mention my complexion, know what I mean?"

"What?" She demanded in disbelief. "But..."

"Yeah, no." I say, crossing my arms defiantly.

"But..." She growled, "You _will!_" She barked angrily. "I summoned you back for a reason, and you _will_follow through!"

"Says you and what army?" I demand. I felt for them, I do, but I would not be told to afflict mayhem that is not of my own choosing, especially not in my own dreams.

"Me! I say, _me_!" She stomped her hooves repeatedly and pouted angrily, fiery eyes brimming with tears. "Stop being such a meanie head!" She cried in frustration.

"Evil. Overlord." I reminded her.

"Hmph! Well, being the geniusful awesome that I am, I have prepared a 1000 year old ancient control spell that will ensure your absolute..." She began, taking out a sheet of parchment with a triumphant smirk.

I swiped it out of her hooves and before she could even whine in protest I had thrown it in my mouth and chewed it exactly 42 times. "And now it shall _stay_ 1000 years old. Hmmm, didn't know fail came in that flavour." I say, munching thoughtfully.

_"He eats 1000 year old spells?!" _A voice in the audience gasped in disbelief.

_"1000 years in 10 seconds flat."_

_"Looks like it, Twi', and ah think there are worse things he could be eatin'."_ Another voice said. _"Y'know, like, ponies, f'er instance."_

"You. Can't. Do. This. To._ Meeeee_!" My 'loyal' servant shrieked, hopping about angrily as if punctuating each word with a stomp of her hooves.

"I just did." I said, gulping.

"You can't just snub a unico-..." She began, temper flaring, her horn crackling with some alien energy.

I lick my finger tips and pinch the tip. There was a crackle, a hiss, then nothing as a little trail of smoke leaked out into the open air. "I just did that too." I say.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She shrieked, raising her hooves to her horn in absolute blood-curdling horror. Shoot, I hope I didn't hurt her.

"I-I c-can n-never b-be weeeeed..." She wailed, dropping onto the floor in absolute despair. "I'm ruined for marriaaaaaaaaage!"

Ah, good, I didn't...except perhaps her pride, but that could stand a little deflating. I thought that was obvious from the get go? But alright, I'll let you lament it now.

I sighed as I sat down on the edge of my coffin, steepling my fingers together in thought. Well, this evil outfit had come far enough. But the punch line was long overdue and the moment was gone. The evil mastermind had been struck to the ground and ruined for marriage, lying in a pool of her own tears in what was perhaps the most anticlimatic evil villain defeat in the multiverse. Heck, this dream had dragged on far too long by now. Shouldn't I be waking up sometime soon?

I decided I'd at least do something decent to the denizens of my dream world before I depart, like the responsible evil overlord I was. "The rest of you..." I began, addressing the crowd.

Which I notice for the first time wasn't paying attention to me at all. They were too busy whispering amongst themselves. In horror too.

_"He did that..."_

_"To her horn..."_

_"...in public..."_

_"So evil!"_

_"So dreamy..."_

_"Poor mare. She did kidnap us, but I feel rather sorry for her."_

_"W-wait, w-what about t-the rest of us?"_

_"W-will he d-do that to us too?"_

_"Hot."_

_"But I don't have a horn."_

_"You have wings, dearie."_

_"N-Not my wings! Anything but my w-wings!"_

I quickly gathered that I had committed some kind of interspecies faux-pas. I'll just...let it roll as some kind of evil overlord thing for now. That works.

"...ahem..." I cleared my throat loudly, "Can the dark lord have your attention for just a moment?" I wave a hand for attention. The crowd was quick to simmer down to a few sobs and whimpers. "Alright, I'll be honest with you all. I think I got off at the wrong summoning. I've already had my fill of evil crusading and I most certainly did not order 1000 sacrificial virgins for breakfast. Which, while impressive, is something I can't help but question, why the heck are you all still hanging onto it? Seriously, find somebody special, get laid. Except for the fillies, y'all don't ask what that means, at least for another few years, okay?"

This was met with general murmurs, blushes, even a few non-committal nods of agreement. The fillies amongst them only whined and grouched.

"So you're all free to go." I say, waving a hand in the general direction of anywhere else but here, "Return to whatever it is you do, which I presume does not involve standing in line as a sacrificial offering on a regular basis."

This was not met with the cheers and whoops of happiness, not even tears of relief I had expected as a minimum. C'mon, guys, I have a drama quota to fulfill.

Instead I got murmurs, whimpers, even a few tears and sobs of what was definitely not relief.

"Alright, which part of 'you're all free' is a problem?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Err...all of it." One pony volunteered. She was of the horned lavender variety, sporting a colour-coordinated mane with a single streak of pink. I waved a hand to invite her to continue. She looked around uncertainly and, seeing her fellow ponies weren't about to volunteer to help, she finally ploughed on, "Errr, Twilight Sparkle, your overlordness." She introduced herself quickly with a little bow, "In short, none of us are free to begin with, you see. We all used to be slaves. However we've all caught a disease." She turned around a little to show me her flank. It was emblazoned with a brilliant 8-sided star that sat on her coat like a twinkling star amidst a twilight sky. "These brands, they mark us as abominations unto our god lord Ahuizotl. We will live forever on the run until..." She gulped perceptibly, "...until lord Ahuizotl's inquisition catches us." There were a few sobs and whimpers at this which did not go unnoticed by me.

Different world, same doo doo. I couldn't help but glower at this revelation. "What do they do to those who've caught this disease?" I finally ask, needing to hear it.

The mare took a deep breath, "Most get tortured as examples. All are eventually executed." This was met with a few wails and cries of despair. "And now that we've taken part in reviving the evil dark lord, well...you can say they're going to have to invent some new punishment for double-blasphemy."

"We...we were all promised a...a safe place to stay..." Another pony, this one a pure marshmalow white with a curly midnight purple mane, began, sniffling, "Safe from the inquisition..."

"W-we didn't e-even mind a-all the...t-the stuff we had to do...a-anything's better than the inquisition!" Another pony cried.

"Please, evil overlord person, please let us stay..."

"We have nowhere else to go!"

"We'll do anything! Anything at all!"

I stared at the scene of collective despair and desperation facing me. For a dream, this was quite intense. I steepled my fingers once more as I sat, deep in thought. If giving themselves up as sacrificial offerings to a dark overlord was considered a way out then things were really down the cacky. Their situation was dire, their hope non-existent. They needed help. But as much as I wanted to, I'm just...wait. No, wasn't I brought here as an evil overlord? With an Empire at my finger tips? Or what's left of it? I look around at my one remaining assistant...who had helpfully slept through everything. Again.

I'm starting to suspect Crystal Heart slept through the previous Emperor's fall. Heck, she might be the very cause, but I kept that to myself.

"I am awake, Master. I am simply conserving energy until your Empire begins to supply me with enough Hope and Love to sustain my many functions." She said. For a second I was worried she could read minds.

"And reading your mind is not one of my many functions, Master, I assure you." She added. Dammit.

"Can we do that? Shelter these ponies, I mean?" I ask her. "You told me this is a frozen ruin. Do we even have food and shelter for them?"

"Yes." Crystal Heart yawned again. "All that and more. This Empire always keeps a minimum seed resource stash for post-disaster recovery. All we require is an Emperor, you."

"Will you help me, Crystal Heart?" I ask, sincere for the first time that day. "Help me keep these ponies safe?"

"Your will is my directive, Master." She gave a little bow of her head once more, before turning over onto her back again and snoring.

I returned to my audience. Now the harder question. Was I prepared to go through with this?

Hey, who am I kidding, this is just a dream. I can roll with anything. Returning to my usual roll-y self, I gesture openly to what I suppose were my new people. "We have food and shelter here. We'll all manage somehow. If you will have this Empire as your home then you are welcome to stay."

This was met with more silence. C'mon, no cheers? You guys are a tough crowd.

Just as I thought that, the room erupted in cheers and whoops of joy, even sobs of happiness and tears of relief, the whole package. If this is the reaction to being told they were welcomed to live in a dark overlord's empire, I wondered what their reaction would be to democracy.

Probably absolute anarchy.

_"Yay for the dark overlord!"_

_"Best. Overlord. Ever!"_

_"Long live our overlord!"_

"Whoah, whoah, now," I quickly shouted over the din, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm no Overlord or anything special." And I'd rather not have some gallant hero come along to lop off my head to save these 'damsels-in-distress'. I doubt anyone sells Overlord insurance.

"Well now, that simply won't do, dear." The marshmallow-white pony with the prissy hair-do from earlier said, trotting up to my side. "Even if it's for the sake of appearances alone we still need an Overlord."

"Yes, and Crystal Heart has chosen you specifically. You are legitimately the Emperor of the Crystal Empire." The lavender unicorn (I finally decided on her label) from earlier said, trotting up to join her alabaster companion. What was her name? Twilight Sparkle? "And Rarity is right." She nodded at the marshmallow-y one, "The Empire needs a leader, both for us to unite under and as a face for the outside world to...well...fear. For that we need, well, an evil overlord."

"Yes, I for one welcome our new...err..." The white prissy little pony began, seeming to frown a little as she cocked her head from side to side, eyeing me up and down, as if trying to fit me into her universe somehow. She seemed to give up, shaking her head with a sigh, as if disappointed in me for not living up to her worldview.

Whoah, sorry, I know I don't make a habit of conforming, but, jeez, no need to be so hard on me for it. Aliens have hearts too, you know.

But despite her bitter disappointment in me the one apparently named Rarity seemed generous enough to give me a chance as she trotted up to me, not awkward, not awkward at all. She leaned in close and whispered aside to me, "...darling, what _kind_ of overlord are you, exactly?" She hissed through clenched teeth.

I looked to the left. I looked to the right. It was easy enough to figure out my one distinctive feature that set me apart from all those gathered. Yep, clear as glass. "Dude." I replied, simply.

"...our new Dude Overlord!" She announced, throwing out a hoof with a flourish. I winced. Painfully. And from the looks of the crowd, I wasn't alone in my pain. "The...the Overdude!" She added, as if trying to twist the dagger a little deeper.

"Yeees, thank you." I nod, as graciously as I could manage without sputtering. "Speaking of the evil part though, that will be at most in measured doses, enough to keep life interesting but not enough to be of the doom and gloom variety." I added quickly, "That said, my humble and loyal assistant here doesn't seem to agree with me and I'd rather she not try to 'persuade' me again." I say, pointing at the still wailing Sunset Shimmer on the ground. "Do we have a dungeon? A prison perhaps? Maybe even a kennel?"

Twilight and Rarity looked at one another before Twilight finally offered an answer, "Err, I don't know about dungeons, but we certainly have corners." She said, pointing a helpful...hoof...at the nearest available corner.

I look at it. It looked about as diabolical a corner as any, all trigonometric and Euclidean. "Alright, throw her into the...corner." I declare.

And thrown into the corner she was. Gently, I might add. We decided to allow her to continue sniffling there by herself. She probably needed the time to herself.

"Ah b-beggin' your pardon, Mr. Overdude, sir," Another mare cleared her voice as she approached me cautiously. This one bore a sunset orange coat and matching sun-blonde mane, topped by...is that a stetson hat? "Ah'm...Ah guess Ah'm one of yer new subjects, yer Overdudeness. Mah name's Applejack. Pleased ter make yer acquaintance 'n' all. But if ah may be so forward, meanin' no disrespect or nuthin' to yer dudeness, may ah be the one to step up and, ah, clear the air a little, so to speak?"

Blunt, honest, if a bit roundabout. "You can clear up my air anytime, sweetheart." I reply with an inviting nod. "...In an entirely non-suggestive and entirely platonic way." I was quick to add quite earnestly under her glare.

"Are ya or are ya gonna sate yer carnal lusts upon ten of us at a time every night?" Okay, so, very very blunt and not roundabaout at all. "N-not that Ah hold that against ye or nuthin," She lied. Bad. "Err, ah mean, if ye really did. Ah don't mind it, not at all." If she were wearing pants, they'd be spitting ten different flavours of napalm right about now.

"Let me think about that." I begin, "Well, all the benefits considered...no." I reply flatly. "Just, no."

"Is that 'no' to just the number, as in, 'not ten' but in actual fact, 'fifteen' or maybe even 'twenny'?" She raised an eyebrow, peering at me suspiciously. "Or, y'know, just plain 'no' entirely?" She asked.

"Let me do the maths first." I reply, drolly, counting on my fingers, "Ten...twenty...one hundred..." I watched the horror rise up amongst the crowd like a helium balloon towards a ceiling of spikes. "Sorry, y'know what, a thousand's just not enough. So I'll just roll with plain 'no'." I say, shrugging.

"Is that 'no' like..." She began.

"It's 'no' as in 'no'." I say, flatly. "I mean, 'no'. Especially not the...not the..." I point at the nearest filly who instinctively dashed under the legs of her nearest grownup, whimpering. "Yeah, that." I finished, lamely.

"I-it's alright..." Another mare, one with a butter-yellow coat and wings with a sunset-pink mane to top it all off, fluttered up to me to...

...She was eyeing me, hoof raised, eyeing me up and down as if trying to figure out which part of my anatomy was in fact legitimate for patting and comforting. And I was right for she seemed to finally decide on my knee.

That felt comforting. At least for a bit.

"I-it's alright." She continued, her voice brimming with earnest fluffy-eared doe-eyed kindness. "We all..." She gulped, "Have...umm...likes and dislikes." She very kindly rammed the piledriver into my tender heart with all the subtlety of a bulldozer, the kindest bulldozer ever.

Oh, dear heaven, I never knew kindness could hurt this much.

"So let me get this straight!" Another pegasus, this one a cyan streak with what looked like an entire rainbow for a mane, flew up, shoving the butter-coated one out of the way, "Sorry, 'scuse me, Fluttershy. Now, you, yer gonna give us all a place to stay, just like _that_?"

"Yes." I shrug. "If you don't like it like _that_, I can think of another way. I'm thinking singing telegrams, perhaps."

"What's your angle, buster?" She demanded, poking a hoof at my face.

"Err...angle?" I blink, "Well, I don't know. I like deep angles?" I replied lamely.

"Fun, obviously!" Another pony, this one a bright...ohmygodohmygodohmygod somuchpinkmyeyesmyeyesmyeyes! "I mean, what's the point of having a party with just one pony when you can have a 1000! It'd be, like, the super awesomefulllest party ever times 1000! Come to think of it, that number comes up a lot, don't you think? 1000 is such a round number, but what were the chances? I mean, really, 1000 years, 1000 sacrifices, 1000 armies, 1000 balloons and cakes. Oh my gosh, can you imagine all the balloons, cakes and fireproof galoshes I'd need?!" She grabbed the cyan pegasus by her face and peered deep into her eyes, "Can you, Rainbow Dash?! CAN YOU?!"

"I apologize for interrupting your time-wasting, Master." Crystal Heart suddenly piped up, "But we have three airborne vehicles inbound, ETA 2 hours. They seem to be tracing the magical signature of a stolen airship parked outside the citadel. I believe said stolen airship was how your most loyal servant got your sacrifices here."

"Does she have a parking permit?" I asked, "This is important."

"She doesn't even have an airship license." Crystal Heart supplied, helpfully.

"Airships..." Rarity hissed.

"Are they just Imperial guards or...?" Twilight asked, leaving the rest unsaid.

"They are the Inquisition." Crystal Heart confirmed her fears and that of everyone else present. "I intercepted their encrypted long range magical communications. Their mission is to search out the party of blasphemers planning to revive the dark lord of the north."

"Do we have any defenses?" I asked as the rest of those present descended into absolute panic and chaos and...where did those party balloons come from?

"I am prepping our border shields as we speak though it is likely they will ingress across our borders before it is ready. It will take another 5 hours to calibrate our stealth field generators." Crystal Heart announced, cooly.

"2 hours. Can we all fly away from here fast enough in that time?" Rarity suggested.

"The transport's out of juice. 'Sides, ain't fast enough." The rainbow-maned one said.

"Well, shoot, looks like we're sittin' ducks here." Applejack muttered.

"It'd take an entire army to face three airborne airships." Twilight bit her lip.

"We don't need an army." I said, slowly, inspiration dawning, "All we need to do is convince them I am a dark and terrible overlord. And it didn't take much to convince all of you." I reasoned, "So convincing a group of superstitious dick-worshiping pansies can't take that much more."

"And how, darling, do you propose we do that?" Rarity asked.

"With..." I gave them all a grin, "...style."

* * *

A few hours later found the Crystal Empire gleaming in the bright northern sun setting behind the ring of snowcapped mountains. The crystal facets of the main citadel was set afire by the furious sun, casting a blinding sheen far and near.

Something else gleamed in the sky. Three small dots quickly grew in the fiery red sky, becoming the familiar forms of 3 Imperial long range scouting airships. They quickly reached their query, the stolen transport airship on the ground and the magnificent if alien-looking crystal citadel next to it. But what immediately caught their attention as they circled in was the dark figure standing on the spire's summit.

There, with black cloak billowing in the fierce northern wind, trailing red and black flames at the edges, stood a darkness so black it practically ate bats and shat nightmares, radiating absolute distilled badassery and promising asskickery of divine proportions (if I do say so myself).

* * *

_"I need some new threads." I said._

_"My hooves are yours, darling." Rarity generously offered, "What do you need?"_

_"I want something black. It needs to scream 'badass evil overlord'. And a cloak. It needs to be kickass awesome, like, flaming awesome." I ponder this for a moment, "Can you make it flaming?"_

_"The Great and Powerful Trixie can be gracious enough to lend you a hoof there." Another mare, this one a pure midnight blue with a pale silver mane, trotted over, raising her hooves with a flourish, "Illusion magic is, after all, one of Trixie's many great talents."_

_"That's great, Trixie, but we want our lord rare at most, alright?" Twilight chided._

_"Hey! Trixie doesn't set things on fire...too often!" Trixie snapped._

_"Hey, don't you worry! Worst that can happen, at least you'll be warm for the rest of your life." The pink one told me, reassuringly._

* * *

"You, bipedal creature on the roof." One of the airships began projecting a voice over what I assumed were loudspeakers of some sort. They needed it. I could practically hear them squeak their balls into the microphone. "You are standing inside an Imperial Inquisition scene of sacrilege. Identify yourself!" The voice barked.

"Identify myself...?" My voice magically boomed across the empire, bouncing off the very mountains. "You make such careless demands inside _MY_ realm? Know your place!" I roared.

What happened next was beyond weird. For the first time in my life I felt what it was like to be weightless. A brilliant multicoloured glow embraced my entire body as I lifted up into the air.

This was certainly _not_ a bad idea, especially not with my fear of heights, nope.

* * *

_"So, what can unicorns do?" I asked, innocently, having been given a very quick crash course on the three different pony tribes._

_"Pfft..." My question was met with derisive laughter._

_"I think the easier question is..." A bright mint-green unicorn with white streaks in her mane, one who had very enthusiastically introduced herself as Lyra Heartstrings, "What can we unicorns NOT do."_

_"Especially the great and powerful ones like Trixie!" Trixie was quick to contribute, "There is nothing in Equus beyond Trixie's power!"_

_"Other than save us all from an evil tyrant god who would see us all enslaved forever and ever?" Another pony, an earth pony with a light violet coat from the looks of it, said. This was met with a chorus of laughter._

_"Girls, girls, we're not answering our lord's question." Twilight said, "Magic, my lord, that is our specialty."_

_"Here, I listed everything we unicorns can't do." Lyra said, helpfully, handing me a sheet of paper. It was helpfully blank._

_"Uhuh." I took her quill and scribbled 'Get laid' on it in big capital letters._

_"Uhhh, I can't read. What does that say?" She poked a hoof at my writing._

_"Get laid." I read out to her._

_"HEY!"_

_"Tell me, Lyra, why are you here again? Prove me wrong, and we'll talk." I grinned to the laughter of some unicorns and definitely members of the other two tribes._

* * *

I rose up as a pair of fiery black wings trailing an inferno that would leave most phoenixes green with envy erupted from my back. Pretty cool, actually. I was expecting pink butterfly wings or something, considering my backstage wizards. Ah, I think I can grow to love unicorn magic.

"I am the Dark Overdude of the Northern Shadows, rightful Emperor of the Crystal Empire, guardian of all marked ponies, lord of the dance, king of the rock, divine distributor of righteous kickassery, unholy..."

"Psst, hurry it uuuup!" An urgent voice from below squeaked. I spared the source a quick glance. It was Twilight and an army of unicorns hidden amongst the parapets of the spire, all straining their magic through their horns to keep me aloft.

"Fine..." I sigh, "My realm reaches from the northern star to the roots of the mountains. All within are mine to protect. And you shall learn to respect the sanctity of my domain!" I threw out a hand imperiously at the farthest airship.

Dark clouds circled above me, twisting and turning into a gigantic spiralling halo of thunder and lightning, as if crowning my absolute badassery.

* * *

_"So...what can the pegasi do?" I ask. I got a few glares for this, seeing as I had just asked what the unicorns were capable of. Jeez, gimme a break, I didn't know it was __THIS_ touchy a subject.

_"Only turn the entire sky into your __WORST_ nightmare." One pegasus, a fire-yellow one crowned with a flaming mane, one aptly called 'Spitfire' apparently, said with an offhand shrug. "Nothing big, nothing showy."

_"Here, unicorns aren't the only ones who can do fancy lists." One pegasus who had introduced herself as 'Jetstream' said, picking up a sheet of paper. "Imagine this is the sky." She took it, tore it into shreds, before setting it on fire with a lighter and blowing the cinders away with a puff._

_"A breeze, a gust, maybe an order of tornados or lightning storms with a side of awesome." the rainbow-maned one, just as aptly named Rainbow Dash as I found out, grinned, "In 10 seconds flat."_

_"I-I hope t-that's alright...?" Fluttershy said, sheepishly._

_"They just brought airships to a weather fight." I grinned widely at this._

* * *

The entire citadel began to rumble with the force of pure awesome measurable only in gigadecibels. The crystal shards making up its surface lit up with neon sparks as they began pumping out beats.

The familiar beats rolled out, but kicked up a notch or two, maybe three with an unearthly noise that shook the very mountains around us. To my enemies it was the sound of tombstones heralding their impending doom, the cries and laments of their women, the very death of the sun and stars in their eyes.

"That pony..." I grinned widely, "She had time to make a 'We Will Rock you' dubstep remix."

* * *

_I reached into my pocket. Sure enough, I had my smart phone with me, as I always did, even in my sleep. Never dream without them. "Crystal Heart, have we got something to project some music outside?"_

_"Are you insulting my functionality?" Crystal Heart muttered. Seeing the quizzical look on my face she rolled her eyes and said, "Yes, I do, Master."_

_"Can we project something played from this?" I ask, showing her my smart phone._

_"I believe the colloquial term is __foals play_." Crystal Heart nodded.

_"If there's any music to be played, I'm your mare!" Another pony sporting a pure white coat, this one wearing a pair of shades, some kind of headset thing, and the widest grin I had ever seen on someone of the equine persuasion. "DJ PON-3, at your service, your bodaciousness, or Vinyl Scratch if you please"_

_"All yours, DJ." I said, tossing her my phone._

* * *

Thunder boomed to the rhythm of the citadel. Lightning lanced out, blasting two of the airships like paper kites. The heat from the explosion grazed my face but I kept up my chilly facade. It was either that or shit my pants, and I only had one one pair here.

The third pulled away very quickly, realizing it stood no chance. Take two, leave one to pick up the mess, just as planned.

The two stricken airships, trailing fire and smoke, quickly spiralled out of control before slamming into the main highway leading up to the citadel. I watched the flaming wreckage for a while, eyeing the scurrying figures trying to abandon ship.

With a relay of unicorn magic down the spire I slowly floated down to the ground and landed lightly in the snow below. Oh, ground, solid ground, how I missed thee! It took all of my willpower to not sink onto my shaking knees and kiss the snow below. I had an image to maintain, not to mention a lot of awesomeness as well as my bladder (no sudden movements!). I stepped out into the harsh wind as I regarded the flaming wrecks emblazoned against the frozen cityscape. Blazing footprints trailed in my wake, courtesy of more inventive unicorn magic.

I spared a quick glance to either side of the highway at the towering decorative crystal columns that lined the path up to the citadel. In their shadows stood entire squads of earth ponies, all waiting for my signal. I gave both sides a nod as I strode up purposefully towards the downed airships.

"I-it r-really is him!" A voice screamed from inside the closest airship. "T-the dark lord! J-just l-like the stories!"

"Get out, quick, before he sends more lightning down at us!" I saw a form climb out of the airship. It looked like a feline sort of creature, quadrupedal just like the ponies. The Felis, or so Twilight had called them, the so-called chosen of Ahuizotl. We'll see how lucky they feel to be his chosen when they learn who _mine_ are.

"One of the ships survived! We need to get to the rendezvous point for a pick up! Move it!" More of them filtered out like rats from sinking ships, only to discover firsthand that cats can in fact swim.

"T-too late! H-he's heeeere!" I could almost hear the piddle in his voice. Oh, glory be.

* * *

_"Alright, don't kill me." I said, as disarmingly as I could manage, "But I really need to ask..."_

_"It's alrigh', sugarcube, we earth ponies are used to it." Applejack said, graciously._

_"Yeah, it's, like, totally cool!" The pink one, Pinkie-Pie was it, said with a cheerful hop, "Cause, we've got our own brand of awesomenaciousness!"_

_"Yeh'd better believe it! Our hooves can move entire mountains! That's wut Gran says!" One of the little fillies, this one apparently Applejack's little sister, Applebloom, said excitedly._

_"Literally." Vetted Twilight._

_"You guys aren't going to show me a list as well?" I ask, raising an eyebrow._

_"Err, we would, but we might accidentally bring the roof down on our heads." Another marshmallow-y pony, one that looked quite like her namesake 'Bon Bon', said with a grin. This got her a few glares from her pegasi and unicorn sisters._

_"Huh..." I give this a thought, "So you've got power over magic, the weather, an enough strength to move mountains. Why are you all slaves again?"_

_This was met with a few uncomfortable looks, sideway glances, a few even looked away._

_"It's alright, everyone starts somewhere." I sigh, "And us? We start here."_

* * *

I slowed down a little, giving them time to evacuate their burning ships, empty their bladders and say their prayers. When they were finally on the run down the long highway I threw out both hands commandingly. On cue, the crystal spires lining the path cracked before groaning ominously in the wind as they began to collapse upon the retreating inquisition.

The very ground shook as the earth split open beneath every collapsing spire, as if ready to swallow the Felis troops whole. The collapsing spires and gaping earth chased them all the way to the borders of the empire, marked by a ring of towering monoliths. They probably thought themselves safe on crossing the border as they spared a moment to look back.

Their wrecked airships chose that moment to explode in a fearsome show of pyrotechnics that sent the flaming wreckage roaring high up into the air, falling and bouncing dramatically past me, silhouetting me against their brilliance. As I stood there, cloak billowing in the explosive shockwave, casting a long foreboding shadow across their trembling pack, I raised my voice once more.

"Go back." I bellowed, casting a hand forth towards their flinching forms, "Go back and tell your pissant god and his 'chosen' that I, the dark and evil Overdude, have risen from the deepest netherhells on wings of vengeance, and I have chosen my people, my little ponies! I know what he's done to my chosen! I swear upon the shadows of the old hells that for every pony he has ever harmed, I will kick his sorry rearmost anatomical member to death, revive him, and kick him again until we figure out how many different kinds of snot he's made out of! And then I will rub tabasco sauce in his wounds and set him on fire!" I thought for a moment before adding, "Oh, and you can tell him his mama's so fat they thought he was just her blubber at first!"

"As for you lot...get out of my sight before I decide to make you all poop hearts and fart rainbows to death. And next time you see a pony...Remember _ME_" I roared, causing them to struggle back onto their feet, pissing themselves as they rushed for safety. I sighed to myself with satisfaction as I watched the last of the stragglers pile into the last remaining airship before they took off into the sunset, engines at full blast as if the seven hells themselves was after them. Which they probably were.

"Primary shields online, Master" The now familiar form of Crystal Heart flashed into existence next to me. "Eyes on the Spire." She said, pointing up at the citadel.

It was just a fierce white glow at first, followed by a beam of brilliant white light that pierced the heavens. The beam rippled ominously as ethereal rings of light began to spread forth across the sky from the spire, descending above us towards the mountains beyond, touching the earth just behind the last airship's retreat. There was a brief shimmer as the globe of light flashed a pale pink.

"Pink. Really?" I asked, incredulous, "Doesn't it come in, I don't know, pistachio?"

"Pink is the new pistachio. Live with it, Master." Crystal Heart said. "Now, watch your step."

What happened next took my breath away. Any remaining clouds hanging in the air seemed to dissolve away into a bright, clear twilight sky, lit up by a long glimmering curtain of northern lights. Below the snow and frost seemed to peel away from the landscape, rising into the air in spirals of speckled light, leaving behind...was that green, lush grass? And flowery meadows? And beautiful sparkling rivers and streams gleaming in the starlight? And bountiful fruit trees as far as the eyes can see?

"Yes it is, Master." Crystal Heart answered, helpfully. Dammit, Crystal.

Even the chilly wind had died away, replaced by a warm spring breeze. It was as if the Crystal Empire had woken up from a long, deep winter slumber and had decided to immediately air out its bedsheets in a sudden fit of spring cleaning.

"Alright, the show is over, Master." Crystal Heart said as the breeze carried a flurry of dandelion spores across her face, "I will warn you now, with the shield up, my energy reserves are depleting as we speak. I implore you to make haste with generating the sustenance I require."

"Remind me what that is." I said.

"Hope and Love, Master." She said, deadpan. "From your loving subjects, I add."

"Well, if it's any help, it looks like we're about to have a bumper crop." I said, turning around to find a crowd of ponies galloping down the highway towards us. They were...cheering? And crying? And laughing even?

"That will do for an appetizer." Crystal Heart said, generously.

_"You did it, Overdude person!"_

_"Yeah, you really kicked flank out there!"_

_"Yay for the Overdude!"_

_"Hail his all-bodacious awesomefulness!"_

_"Wheee! It's time for the 'We're an Empire!' Party!"_

They seemed beside themselves with joy. And then it hit me just why that was. It was probably their first victory, ever. Their first time taking their fates into their own hands...er...hooves, and going out and actually kicking fate's butt to the curb. Me? I couldn't help but grin for them, with them.

"Stealth generators coming online soon, Master." Crystal Heart announced to me quietly, "And I have taken the liberty of deactivating the stolen airship's engines, rendering it untraceable. The only way they will find us now is by randomly showering this region with divine-level offensive spells."

"Good work, Crystal Heart. You've saved us all." I said, patting Crystal Heart on her mane. I froze as it struck me that I may have committed another interspecies faux-pas. But on noticing her eyes closed in evident enjoyment, I decided, what the heck. I'm the evil overlord. I can faux-pas the macaroons out of anybody I like and get away with it.

"No, Master, _you_ have. Your actions today have given these ponies hope and, I daresay, a leader figure to love." Crystal Heart said, sounding earnest for the first time that day. "Without that, I would have no power or functionality to support you with. Now..." She gestured at the cheering ponies, "I believe is a good time for a victory speech."

The night fell upon the Empire proper as I nodded to Crystal Heart and stepped up to address the cheering ponies. Night lillies in the meadows around us chose that very moment to bloom, casting their glowing light and radiant pollen into the night. I basked in their glow a while as I found my voice. In that time, the crowd had grown silent, as if expecting my speech.

"My little ponies..." I began, finding my voice a little squeaky without the help of Crystal Heart's voice projection magic. "Ahem...if I may call you all that. I'm kinda crud at these speech sort of things."

"'I have risen from the deepest netherhells on wings of vengeance, and I have chosen my people, my little ponies!' Said the guy crud at speeches, yep." Lyra said, doing a perfect impression of my monologue. Laughter rose, bright and clear.

"Yeah, that was me crud. You gotta see me when I'm at my most epic." I said, to more laughter. "What I wanted to say is, we did it. We all thought today was lost, but together we've proven ourselves wrong. We've proven ourselves totally and undeniably awesome." I said, gesturing at the ponies gathered, "You, all of you, are undescribably awesome."

"All hail our lord, the overdude! Long live our Emperor!" A voice called out.

"Whoah, jeez, c'mon, guys, this is embarrassing." I said with a chuckle. "I didn't do anything out there. That was all you. You all...what was it? Kicked some real flank today."

"But you made it possible, your Overdudeness!" Rainbow Dash punched the air, "Besides, let's face it, they ran from the sheer coolness!" This was greeted with a chorus of nods.

"We could throw lightnin', levitation magic 'n' buck trees at them all day and we'd still be right where we started." Applejack said, "They need somethin' to properly fear. That somethin's you, your dudeness."

"Then let them one day fear the entirety of the pony race." I said with a grin.

"Your chosen, you mean?" Twilight said with a sly grin, "We caught that, you know. Girls, we're the dark overlord's chosen. How's that?"

"I'd say he's got a good eye." Rarity said, giving me a wink, as a wave of laughter rose up from the crowd.

"My little ponies, thanks, I had a lot of fun." I announce, happily. "I'm actually starting to wish this wasn't a dream now." I laugh, scratching my head sheepishly.

Then I realize I was the only one laughing.

The ponies before me were looking at one another, uncertain, some looking rather worried even.

"What? Did my hair spring up again?" I ask, patting my hair down.

"Err...you tell him." One pony said.

"No way, you do it."

"Well, he ain't gonna like what he hears, might as well get it over with, know what I'm sayin'?"

"Yeah..." Twilight stepped up, "Err...my lord, your cheek." She said.

I give her a confused look as I reached up to my cheek. Then I felt the sting of the shallow scratch across one eye and the feeling of something warm and wet upon my fingers. I look at my fingers, only to find, yep, bright red blood.

"You got the scratch when one of the airships blew up in your face. Must have been a piece of debris." Twilight said. "Lucky it didn't hit your eye."

"It...hurts..." I muttered, numbly.

"Yes." Twilight nodded, "The point is...you know how you can't feel pain in dreams?"

"Ah, so...this isn't...a dream." I said, weakly.

"Err...no." Twilight shook her head, helpfully. "This is very real, my lord."

"Oh, that's alright then." I shrug. "All perfectly, absolutely alright."

Then I promptly keeled over and blacked out.


	2. The God Emperor of Ponykind Part 1

_Usual Disclaimer: My little Pony and all its characters are the intellectual properties of Hasbro and the awesomeful Faust. Me? I'm just the guy who dances on keyboards and enjoys every moment of it._

_Not much else to say, hope you all enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!  
_

_Note: Sorry about the lack of updates here. I almost forgot I had posted this story here. As one kind reviewer mentioned, most of the story (and a lot of my other works) are on FIMfiction. Just google it along with the title to find it. I will otherwise remember to update the story here as regularly._

* * *

_'Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, tickets sold out'_ the poster announced. I smirked to myself as I continued on my way to work. Has _that_ evil dark lord ever gotten 1000 virgins as a sacrifice? Or saved them all and earned their smiles and cheers? To the noise of dubstep no less? Alright, they were virgin mares, and technically they kind of saved themselves, and, to top it all off, it was just a dream. I chuckled to myself. Still, see any other dark lord get to do all that and be as awesome as I was._ In. My. Sleep._ Hah.

I wish I had a pair of shades so I can say that again, twice as cool.

It was just another day in good ol' real life. The concrete world and its bleeding heart cries out for help at every corner. Me? I was one of those who had to briskly walk on, ignoring the homeless and beggars on the street. I tell myself it's because I actually had even less money than them with 12000 pounds in debt with 200 pounds on my overdraft, because I don't have the time in between juggling my two part time jobs and chasing my dreams of one day hitting a stage in a west end theatre, that 2 hours in the soup kitchens every weekend was enough.

Haha, it almost feels like having enough emotional baggage to sink the Titanic twice is a requirement to be a great dramatic hero these days. And hey, I'm not even trying. Still, I wasn't one to lug it all around with me. I'm alive, I have my health, I'm free too, which, come to think of it, was more than those poor mares in my dream had. I guess my only real regret is not being able to do more for the world at large. I mean, I live in a first world country for macaroon's sake and I still see crud happening in my very own streets.

I have these moments sometimes, times when I wish I could wrap up the whole world in a big warm blanket and whisper to it that everything will be alright. A strange, fierce possessiveness, a protectiveness, that I wish I could channel somehow, someway. Yeah, call me a sap, an idyllic dreamer, a naive bleeding heart. I've heard it all. But that's just what I am. And I tell you, there's nothing worse to me than that feeling of helplessness as I watch the world's cries for help go unheeded. I feel so powerless, so impotent, before the despair and desperation that plagued those who deserved better, much better.

I tell myself that once I earn enough I'll be able to settle down, raise a family and do enough charity to channel out all those urges. Still, at the moment it looked about as realistic as a trip to the moon. Possible, just impossibly difficult, if you know what I mean.

It bordered on selfish sometimes, this odd urge of mine. Perhaps all I wanted was to be useful to somebody, anybody. More importantly, I wanted people to depend on me...me and only me, as twisted and self-centred as that sounded. What's it called again? Messiah complex? Sometimes I wonder if I needed to get my head checked. Yeah, I probably did.

The thought brought me back to last night's dream again. My grand stage, my kickass performance, the beautiful theatrics and my truly awesome backstage team, all of it played itself out in my head. And, most importantly, I got to forge a safe haven for an entire nation of deprived, hapless victims of a world gone mad. For a brief but brilliant moment, I was needed. And it was beyond wonderful.

I was smiling a little manically all the way to work. Ah, there it was, another reason to smile. I'm getting my promotion today. Up from pizza delivery dude to delivery department superintendent dude. Not much, but it meant less running around in the rain rushing to chase the 20 minute deadlines, less staying past my shifts, more money, and more time to my dreams. I might even get a bonus, one that would go wonderfully towards covering that overdraft. Hey, who said real life can't be awesome sometimes?

* * *

"...he was your father, wasn't he?" My boss said, setting the newspaper down on his desk. As much as I tried to avert my eyes from it, I couldn't help but read the headlines, upside down even.

**_"Mass Murdering Gang Lord Killed in Shootout."._**

"I...never knew him, sir." I said, eyes cast down. It was the truth, I didn't. As far as I was concerned, I only shared his name. It was a mark I carried upon me like a curse, one that would hound me to the end of my days. I grit my teeth. Not now. Don't be a father to me now of all times.

"My...condolensces for your loss." My boss said without the slightest hint of feeling behind it, slowly getting up from his chair and patting me rather gruffly on the shoulder, all while subtly steering me towards his door, "Ah, and what we discussed earlier, you know, the superintendent thing..." He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

My heart was already sinking. No, please, you can't, you can't take that away...

"...please forget we ever had that discussion." He said, opening the door for me, "I hope you understand."

The door closed on me before I could say anything. You can't. You couldn't. I needed that.

"Hey, guess what, Mr. Superintendent." A loathsome voice trilled.

"I don't know, what?" I asked, innocuously, as I turned away from the one person I didn't want to meet that day, the guy whose entire life's goal seemed to be making my life at work a living hell.

"I'm a superintendant too." He chuckled, "Oh, but wait, there can only be one of us so...oooops, sorry."

And I'd say he achieved his goal, marvellously. _Oh bravo._

"Tell you what, before you head out for the day, you can sort out these bills from last night's runs." He said, throwing a pile of notes in my face.

"...Sure." I said, being careful not to glower.

"Can't hear you, ex-next-superintendent."

"Yes, _boss_." I gritted my teeth.

"Good boy. Keep it up and I might let you make my coffee." He patted me on my cheek and walked on.

I wanted something, anything, to take my attention away from the seething, raging roaring feeling of injustice in my heart. And my wish was granted. I noticed something, a papercut on one of my fingers, courtesy of the bills in my hands. Great, just great. As if I...wait...

It didn't hurt.

I frowned as I peered at it. Then, feeling madly courageous, I bit it.

It still didn't hurt.

_"The point is...you know how you can't feel pain in dreams?"_

"Oh..." I murmur. "Thanks, Ms. Sparkle." Then I fell.

My entire world spun. A spiral of darkness consumed everything. It was a darkness I welcomed with all my heart. Take me, just take me now. Anywhere, anywhere but here.

* * *

There's normally some ceremony to waking up in an alien world. There'd be the bleary eyes, the fuzzy vision, the wondering, the disorientation, the more realistic concerns regarding the state of one's bladder, that sort of thing. Me? I got to go from sleep to Hissy-screaming-waking-nightmare in less than a second. At least I didn't have to worry about my bladder anymore

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!" I scream at the pair of bigger-than-life cerulean orbs that were but half-an-inch away from my eyes. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!" I shriek like a pansy again. "AAAAaaaaa...aaaaa...a." My cries finally died down, giving away into hysterical panting.

"Master is unfortunately very alive, nurse Redheart." The pair of orbs announced. "You can keep the suppositories for later."

"Aww...well, I guess there will be plenty of opportunities later." I saw a pure white pony with a candy-floss-pink mane turn away out of the corner of my eye. I even spotted the mark on her flank, a red cross surrounded by hearts.

Wait, what, what opportunities?! Hey!

If I had my wits about me then I would have considered how closely these marks tied with their bearers. But I didn't because there were a few pounds of pony lying on top of me, pinning me to something that was thankfully soft and warm.

"I will leave you two to it then. I'll come back later when you're done." The nurse pony said. I heard a door somewhere close, presumably behind her.

Leave us to what?! Done with what?! Does this have something to do with the pony on top of me?! It does, doesn't it?!

I did my best to voice my concerns about our rather uncomfortable proximity and my discomfort at having to experience this first thing on waking up as clearly and coherently as I could.

"Holy son of a submariner." I cried "Crystal Heart. What. The. Flute."

"You are perhaps concerned about our rather uncomfortable proximity. Your discomfort at having to experience this first thing on waking up is duly noted." Crystal Heart said, continuing to peer deep into my eyes.

Dammit, Crystal Heart. I'm only going to get used to thinking that, aren't I?

"You will get used to this, I assure you." She said.

Dammit dammit dammit.

"Is this a pony thing?" I finally asked after a lengthy and rather awkward pause. Any amount of time having a little pony lying on top of you is awkward, come to think of it.

"No, it is a Crystal Heart thing. Though I suppose it can be a pony thing to some ponies with their special someponies." Crystal Heart said. This took me a while to process, but a very very short time to blush at. Crystal Heart didn't seem to care for my blushing as she went on, "I am simply completing your registration as the Crystal Emperor and attuning the synchronization between us.

"Does it have to be done in _this_ position?" I ask, "Or _any_ position, for that matter?" I quickly added.

"Yes. I decided it would be best to take advantage of you while you were unconscious." She said, calmly.

That sounded so ho-...I mean, wrong. The wrong sort of wrong.

"My consent is not necessary here, I take it?" I raised a suspicious eyebrow.

"It is consensual if you cannot say 'no'." She replied, simply. That didn't help my suspicions at all.

And before I can retort, she shut me up. With a kiss. I suppose it was a kiss. I mean, putting lips together might mean something entirely different in equine culture and aspiring dimensional travelers should not be too hasty in jumping to conclus-_aaaaaaaahitsakissitsakissitsakissitaskissitaskiitonguetonguetonguetonguetongue!_

...

Huh. It was kinda nice, actually.

But just as I settled into it, even considering giving as good as I received in the sudden surge of the moment, she pulled back. Before I could ask her what just happened, she rolled off me and gracefully landed on all fours on the ground beside my bed.

I just kissed a pony. Or, rather, a pony just kissed me. Full on the lips. There was even tongue involved. And before I could even ask her what the flying macaroons was wrong with her or why that was actually kinda hot, I found her smacking her lips thoughtfully, murmuring, "Hmmm,"

"Liked that, did you?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Very interesting genes you have, Master." She remarked, licking her lips.

"That was the_ hottest_ pillow talk I've ever heard." I muttered. "One player to another." I tip an invisible hat to her.

"If it were me I would do without a lot of this junk data. Despite the complex back and forth information storage, it is so very limited." She went on.

"Hey, are you dissing my genes?" I demanded. "My parents worked really hard at it, you know."

"I am not 'dissing' your genes. I am simply stating that it is primitive and limited." She replied.

"So you are dissing it." I cross my arms indignantly. "You telling me pony genes are _sexier_ than my long, tight DNA?"

"Try building a genetic framework that allows for multiple and very varied subspecies capable of interbreeding and still producing viable offspring without mis-expressing multiple phenotypes or completely losing entire genotypes through generations of interbreeding." She rambled.

Silence. "...shall I get you some laxatives?" I finally offered, very kindly.

She rolled her eyes, "When a mommy pegasus and a daddy unicorn buck...are you with me so far?" She asked, testily. "Or do you need pictures?"

"Absolutely _mesmerized_ with you, Crystal Heart, dear." I said, turning onto my front and kicking my feet up into the air daintily. "I _love it_ when you talk dirty to me."

"It takes a lot of work to make sure they can still make foalies and don't accidentally produce a pegasus with a horn." She said, valiantly ignoring my quips. "There is of course further complexities with regards to the variety in coat and mane colours, but we can peruse that further when you graduate into kindergarten and learn more about colours."

"So you were an accident?" I ask, pointing at her horn and wings. "A very beautiful accident, might I add."

"No, I am also part earth pony. And this was by design." She said, simply. She offered no further explanation so I decided not to press her any further. Partly because I had a more pressing question.

"Did you just _kiss_ me?" I ask, pointedly.

"You have good priorities, Master. Or does information travel through your head at different speeds?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "I was simply extracting samples of genetic material. Though if your ego may benefit from it you may interpet it otherwise."

"Did I say 'yes'?"

"You didn't say 'no'."

"Did you have to kiss me?"

"Would you rather I suck your marrow? Arguably _easier,_ yes."

"Why is it I am very very suddenly _very okay_ with you kissing me?"

"That is inevitable. Irresistibility is a hard-wired feature."

"Oh, that's alright then." I filed that under 'Crystal Heart's trolling me again' as I fell back on my pillow with a pomf. In all seriousness though, I wasn't as bothered by that kiss as much as my conscience demanded me to be. It was definitely something to think about, perhaps once I've had some coffee to oil the ol' gears.

Do they have coffee machine here? Heck, do they even have coffee? Oh god, the real nature of this nightmare has just revealed itself to me, a world without coffee!

I slowly regarded my as-yet-coffeeless world. It had 4 walls of smooth, polished royal crimson crystalline paneling, one of which was curved all along its length and bore a a series of ceiling-high tapering windows opening out into a wide balcony of sorts. Beyond the sea of stars glimmered behind a majestic curtain of northern lights. Above the ceiling spiraled into a massive crystal cupola bearing more windows and an impressive diamond-clear crystal chandelier. It was a bedroom, a very magnificent one, decked with all manner of slightly mismatched fancy furniture that had no doubt been gathered through one bloody conquest after another. There was even an entire liquor bar along one wall holding an entire selection of millenia old liqueur. But like all bedrooms, the main dominating feature was the bed.

You know this bed is quite soft. And massive. I'd go so far as to call it Emperor-size. And only partly out of my ego-tripping, cause this bed really did make King-size beds look like baby cots. It was love at first sight. I could shun most luxuries, but I was not one to ditch on quality sleep, and this baby promised express tickets to dreamland.

"Is this...my bed?" I asked, turning over and doing snowangels on the soft smooth (is this silk?!) covers. "It's massive!"

"Yes, it is a 'herd-size bed'. By definition it must be massive." Crystal Heart said.

"_Herd_...size?" I blink, sitting up abruptly. "Why...is it called that?"

She gave me her usual impatient look, "Because it is built to support a stallion and his entire herd. Though in the case of your predecessor, 10 of his herd at a time."

"..." Eww. Ewwww. Like, eeeeeeeww! "Please tell me you washed this?" I pleaded.

"The last laundry day was Friday. 1000 years ago." She replied. I swear I'm going to start hating that number.

I've never gotten out of bed quicker, including someone else's. Yet another personal record.

And thusly me and my bed's brief tryst came to an abrupt end as the sordid truth came to light. It was never meant to last. It's alright, bed, I'll still sleep with you at least. Once you've had a wash off course. A very thorough wash, with some industrial grade bleach.

As I stood I felt an odd draft in the genes. I looked down and found the universe basking in my unadulterated unfestooned glory, reveling just as it did on the day I was born. And what a glorified draft it was.

Yes, waking up with all my clothes gone. I'm on more familiar ground now. Now, the question is 'why'. I looked up

Then it hit me with all the force of the obvious express. The answer was staring me in the face, and it was one that was causing me to fidget uncomfortably. Crystal Heart, and, in fact, every single pony I had encountered thus far, were as naked as the day they were born. Which was fine before because, hey, they were just ponies, just...animals...?

...except they aren't animals. They are very much sentient, very very much human, or equine or whatever it is you could call them. And they were female. And they were very naked. I am not making mental comparisons to nudist communes. I am certainly not finding this hot in the slightest. No siree.

Okay, maybe_ just_ a warm niggle, that's all.

You know what? I don't know why I'm having such a hissy fit of this. This was obviously a cultural norm. Yes, that's all it is. And being the open-minded individual I would embrace these norms like a real man, and, trust me, men don't get any realer than this. Hands on my hips, my glory basking in the draft or whatever, I do an experimental hip thrust to establish how secure I felt. Hmmm, yes, security and peace of mind.

...

Yeah, no. Where are my jeans, dammit.

"Analysis complete." Crystal Heart announced. "Your _genes_ will do." She even rolled her tongue over the word for emphasis.

Not only are you doing that Crys-troll mind trick again, you're using my own bad puns against me! Dammit times infinite, Crystal Heart!

"Yay?" I venture, weakly, quickly fashioning myself a bed sheet toga, trying not to imagine where the sheets might have been 1000 years ago.

"Yay indeed." Crystal Heart nodded in agreement.

"Look, Crystal Heart, I appreciate your constant and very subtle hints at pimping me out, I really do. It's sweet." I finally sigh, "But if I didn't know any better, I'd think you weren't jealous at all. I thought you loved me. I'm hurt, Crystal Heart." I said in mock-hurt. Point was, I can, in a twisted sort of way, understand the cold logic behind her thinking. But that's all it was, cold logic, without a thought spared to, well, all the warmer living bits of meat. Like me.

"The Empire is not a capitalist society, Master, it is a tyranny. We do not 'pimp', we 'partake'." Crystal Heart said, simply. "And...I...I did not mean it that way..." She said quietly, suddenly turning away.

"Huh?"

"I hear Redheart returning." She quickly said, ears twitching, as she trotted off towards the door to let the nurse back in. Before I could ask her about the abrupt topic change I was interrupted by a voice at the door.

"Good, Crystal Heart is done with you." The snow-white nurse pony from earlier peeked in, giving me a little bow of her head. She had a very catch name, what was it? Oh yes, the mark. Nurse Redheart? "Your lordship, I forgot to mention, you must keep your bandaging dry and clean. If you make a mess of it then do call me immediately. Now, I must return to the others." Then without another word, she disappeared. It must be a multiversal nurse thing, to be stern yet caring, brief yet thorough.

Bandages? I reached up to where I remember the cut to my face was. My fingers quickly found the bandaging as well as smarting pain.

It hurts.

This is going to become old real fast, but yeah, this isn't a dream. Buck my life this isn't a dream.

"This isn't a dream, Master." This coming from a little brightly coloured pony with an oversized head and eyes and cute little hooves made for the most surreal image ever. "This is very, very real."

I stood in silence for a while as I let that sink in like the flaming husk of the Hindenburg. Everything I did came back to mind, everything from _(cringe)_ eat a 1000 year old spell to _(double cringe)_ give a crazy inquisition the flaming finger of doom to _(oh double macaroons on fire)_ ruining a little pony for marriage. The only thing I haven't done is pop bubble wrap with her horn, and that's only because I haven't found any bubble wrap. I am so going to the local rainbow-farting-equivalent of hell for this. And to be fair things were already heading there in a handbasket, strapped to a runaway over-inflated whoopee cushion.

"What you are experiencing is post-summoning disorientation. Do not worry, I am sure nopony will notice any lasting brain damage." Crystal Heart reassured me.

"I don't think I will either. I feel quite overwhelmed..." I said, shaking my head. "I don't think 1000 year old spells sit well with nachos and ice cream."

"Don't worry, Master, I will be right there to help you." Crystal Heart said.

"With my very promising 1000 year old bowel motion or with things in general?" I ask, "I'm not judging you or anything, but it's just not my thing."

"As loathe as I am to say this considering the image you just conjured, I'm afraid I am at your disposal for absolutely anything you wish, Master." Crystal Heart replied. "Jokes aside, I live only to serve you, my Master." She said, suddenly solemn, "You have my word, Crystal Heart shall stand by you. Come fire or rain, gods or demons, I am your ever loyal assistant."

"..." I sigh, kneeling down to give Crystal Heart a thorough ruffle of her mane. She only eyed me blankly at first, before slowly closing her eyes. I even heard a little sigh escape her lips. "Thanks, Crystal Heart. That means a lot to me, especially now." I smile. Then a sudden thought occurred to me. "Now, I need to ask, can I give you new directives?"

"Before or after_ 'Plots, Lots of Plots, and Dat Plot_?'" She asked, cocking her head to one side with my hand still resting on her mane. Why does she look so tooth-achingly cute when she does that?

"This one will be your most important directive." I said, giving her a firm look, "No matter what happens. Even after I'm gone, should I be replaced by the next pizza dude in line to the throne, I want you to keep this one."

"Very well." She gave a little nod, "I am prepared to hardwire your directive, Master."

"Anything you do, do it only because you want to." I said, "That includes your orders and duties to the Empire."

"...I..." She blinked, her usual cool expression suddenly melting into one of surprise. "I do not understand. I have only one desire." She murmured, looking down, the confused turmoil evident on her face, "That is to serve the Crystal Empire."

"And that's alright, but only if that is what you yourself truly want to do." I grinned, ruffling her mane gently,

"I...Master..." She murmured, uncertainly.

Her words were interrupted as a radiant cerulean glow almost blinded us. The light slowly receded to reveal a glowing little sphere of prismatic light floating gently in between us, trailing little flickers of iridescent light.

"That was fast." Crystal Heart murmured, before nodding at me, "Please go ahead, Master. Take it. It is yours by right."

I gave her a questioning look but reached out and closed my hand around the glow. It felt warm, so incredibly warm and comforting to touch, like cupping my hands over a dandelion warmed by the light of spring. Then, just like a dandelion, the light dispersed around my fingers in little flecks of crystalline light.

I felt a weight in my hand. I opened it curiously and found something gleaming in my palm. My heart almost melted at the sight of cute little thing. It was a miniature figure of Crystal Heart, striking a pose, best hoof forwards, wings raised as if ready to take flight. Except her coat and mane gleamed as if the figure had been very finely carved out of a single heart of cool sapphire.

It was a little pony of a little pony. How Inception is that?

"So, who cut the budget on the special effects?" I ask, "I'd expect you to at least shine like a disco ball and ascend spiralling into the air, eyes glowing brightly and ominously with a creepy smile before you poop out your mini-self in a torrent of rainbows."

"We like our magic simple and straight to the point, like a hoof to the face." Crystal Heart said, "You wouldn't ask a hoof planted deep in your face to have more special effects, would you, Master?"

"Crystal Heart, I think I have a hard-on." I said, eyeing the figure almost lasciviously, causing her no end of discomfort, I'm sure. "What is this thing I'm falling hopelessly in love with?"

"This, Master, is an MLP." She replied, simply.

"Giving it an acronym does not help my boner." I point out. "What does it stand for, _My Little Pony_?"

She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Very funny, Master. No, it stands for _Magic Linker Peripheral_."

I stare at her blankly. "That doesn't justify my raging hard-on. You suck at naming things. It's _My Little Pony_from now on." I decide, "So, what does this _My Little Pony _do? Other than look really pretty?"

"It's a proof of our provisional contract, Master, of my becoming your most humble and loyal retainer." She explained, patiently.

"Careful, last person to use 'humble and loyal' on me ended up being ruined for marriage and was left lying in a corner." I warned.

"Kinky." Crystal Heart remarked, deadpan expression strong as ever, "This is a function exclusive to the Emperor. It forms when somepony's feelings of love, hope, loyalty, faith, insert alternative manner of sap here, towards you grows strong enough to qualify them as your loyal follower. This is also assuming you're open to having them as a close follower. The contract will form automatically as long as you are on Crystal Empire soil." She explained, patiently. "We'll get to permanent and eternal contracts when the time comes. And you weren't listening to me, where you?"

"Not really." I reply, "All I heard was 'I love you, Dude'."

"My loyalty to you is only natural, Master. After all, I am your Empire. My MLP appearing was only a matter of completing your registration as Emperor." She waved an indifferent hoof. "That I become the first of your retinue was to be expected. Nopony else would give you their unswerving loyalty this easily." She blustered.

"Awww, I love you too, Crystal Heart." I patted my assistant who only shot a glowering look back at me in reply. "But retinue and retainer's kinda ten apocalypses ago. I'm the dark Overdude. Let's go with 'pawns'"

"No, Knights." She surprised me. It seemed she felt quite strongly about the naming.

"Minions." I mused aloud.

"Paladins." She said.

"Underlings?" I suggested.

"Crusaders." She said with a tone of finality, as if concluding the negotiations.

"Hey, I like that." I snapped a finger at the idea, "The Dark Overdude and the Marked Crusaders of Darkness. Yeah, that works." I grinned, poking the MLP on the flank idly.

"What, I ask, are you doing to little _me_, Master?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, so it's not a voodoo doll." I sighed in mock disappointment. "I demand a refund."

"It's payable in pity." Crystal Heart mock-sympathized with me.

"I mean, imagine, I could make you, I don't know, _smile_." I said with a grin.

"You need only order me, Master." She said, without making any effort at the actual task.

"Eh, I'd rather leave that order up to your feelings." I said with a grin. I may or may not have imagined her blush as she looked away. I didn't get to find out as she very quickly froze.

"Twilight Sparkle, incoming." She muttered to herself. "Initiating power-conservation mode stealth protocol." She announced to nobody in general before dropping to her belly and crawling...yes, crawling under the bed. "Stealth achieved. Activating silent running." Her muffled voice came up from below. Then silence.

"..." I didn't get much time to ponder the strange behaviour before a knock sounded on the door. Ah, that must be what she meant. I fought to suppress a grin as I called out, "Come in, Ms. Sparkle."

"Oh, that was almost scary, your lordship." The now familiar lavender form of Twilight Sparkle peeked into the room. "How did you figure out it was me?"

"Overdude sense. I can smell the scent of heart-stopping beauty and bookish nerds coming a mile away." I give her a mysterious smile as I tapped my temple. "Come in and close the door before you let all the awesome out of the room." I invited her in.

"I'm sorry for interrupting..." She peered around, "Oh, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I thought you were talking to someone?" She asked, noticing my best friends, Thin Air and Lonely Ness.

"Oh, just Crystal Heart." I said, before jolting a little as I felt a little maw of doom clamp around my ankle by the bed. "...whoooo you just missed." I breathed through the pain, "I...I sent her off to get me a chamber pot big enough for me. You know, overdude size." I felt the grip about my ankle tighten. I had to fight to not let the wince reach my face. "I haven't gone in 1000 years after all." I explained, shaking my ankle violently until it was free of the jaws of death herself.

"Aww...that's a pity. I've been wanting to study he-...I mean, talk to her. Oh, the thought of a sentient magical artifact! All the things she must know!" There was a dangerous glimmer in the mare's eyes. I felt something underneath my bed quiver. Suddenly I feared for my dear Crystal Heart. "I'm sure I'll get a chance to take her apa-...take her for a chat later." She said, before suddenly snapping to attention. "Oh, sorry, your lordship, for barging in." She curtsied to me once more, "It is good to see you awake and well, my lord."

"Enough with the 'lord' thing already, Ms. Sparkle." I said, waving a hand at her. "Or I'm going to need a bigger chamber pot. And some mint. Hmm...mint."

"You can call me Twilight, my lord." She said, head still bowed low.

"And you and all the others can just call me 'Dude'." I said, "Rise before you find something embarrassing in the carpet, jeez."

"Umm...actually, that's something I wanted to bring up with you, my lord." Twilight said, finally rising.

"Look, whatever you found in the carpet is most probably 1000 years old and most definitely wasn't mine. I haven't had any in 1000 years, okay?" I said, quickly. "Sunset Shimmer wasn't even foreplay."

"N-no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say anything of the sort, my lord." Twilight quickly said, looking sincerely guilty. I actually felt bad for a moment. Looks like a crash course on dude humour will be high on the agenda. "If I may continue calling you that? Please, I will explain why that is a must."

Seeing the serious look in her eyes I give a little nod and invite her to speak, "Alright, please, tell me what's on your mind."

"Thank you, my lord. Now, allow me to start by saying, Sunset Shimmer may have, sort of, filly-napped us, but I have given her actions today a lot of thought." She paused to give me a look, "Her means may not have been the best, but her ends were justifiable."

"What? Making you all my personal harem?" I blink. "Just cause it's hot doesn't mean it's right."

"N-no, not quite." Twilight shook her head quickly, "I meant creating a sanctuary for all of us ponies in Equus."

"You guys could have gone for some nice hot tropical beach or cool shadowy forest glade, but no, you had to go where even my usually hot balls almost got frozen off." I said, "Let me guess, there's a reason she had to come all the way out here to summon a dark overlord from this frozen hell."

She took a deep breath, as if preparing to drop the bomb. "We're not running from just anypony, we're running from a god."

And the bomb dropped, and it rained pennies. I sighed deeply. "So...this A-Whose-Snot guy really is a god?" I ask, dreading the first of the penny storm.

"Not just any god, lord Ahuizotl is this world's most powerful being. He moves the very sun and moon. He commands the Elements of Order. He wears the very fabrics of reality as if it were his cloak." Twilight said. I didn't need to ask her if this was for real. The haunted look in her eyes was telling enough. "There is no hiding from the sun or the moon, or from reality itself."

"To counter hell, we build our own." I mutter, "You needed a dark overlord as a nuclear deterrent at the very least."

Her eyes lit up at this. It was like watching the last beautiful sunrise before it started raining frogs. "Yes, yes, and we finally have one!" Twilight said, excitedly. "With you here we can finally stand a chance! We can save everypony! We can deliver ponykind!"

Deliver? What irony. Girl, all you got to deliver you all is the pizza delivery dude. 20 minutes or it's free, tips welcome.

That feeling of powerlessness loomed once more like Vesuvius over Pompeii. This was beyond Twilight needing to call me her lord. She needed a god. These ponies needed a god, a god greater than this Who-snot, who could keep them safe from him not just here, but in their minds as well. And unfortunately, the ugly reality of it is, all they got is me, the pizza delivery dude with a messiah complex.

"What...what's wrong?" Twilight asked, face suddenly dropping as she raised an uncertain hoof towards me, "Are you alright, my lord?" I gritted my teeth as I turned away, not able to face her hopeful eyes, her expectant was when my eyes drifted down from hers and fell upon a dark patch around her neck where the fur was just the slightest bit off-colour. Is that...?

She seemed to notice me starring as she quickly turned away. "S-Sorry, m-my lord, I didn't mean to show this, I should have thought of a way to cover it up."

Is that what I think it is? I could feel something else rise deep within. A much stronger feeling, a simmering anger, threatening to boil with protective fury. "What is that, Twilight?" I asked, quietly, almost struggling to hold it in. "Please, tell me." I had to know, at the risk of exploding with righteous wrath.

"This was...where I wore my yoke and bit my whole life. It's the mark of all hoofers." She whispered, eyes cast down, "From the day we were born, Sunset Shimmer and I...until the day we gained these marks."

"You...grew up together?" I asked, weakly, for want of something to say.

"I-it's...a long story." She whispered, "Her father w-was an inquisitor. Her mother was marked when she...when she gave birth to Sunny." Twilight breathed, her voice barely audible.

"He didn't..." I growled under my breath. I had very quickly gathered what happened to those who developed these marks. It did not leave much to imagine what happened next.

"He w-watched her...watched her burn at the stake. H-Her last wish was that he s-spare Sunny. He entrusted Sunny to my mother. Then he...he...he..." It was monotone narrative, as if what emotions she had of the memories had long since drained away. But her empty voice, her eyes were anything but. They were gazing elsewhere, wide-eyed with horror as if reliving a waking nightmare.

"Twilight, it's alright, you don't have to..." I said quickly, but the mare wasn't listening. She was trapped in another place, another time entirely.

"Sunny grew up with me...u-until one day somepony spread lies about us b-being marked. When the inquisition came she...she ran and led them away. I...I thought I had lost her until...until she came to take me...take me here..." She was quivering uncontrollably by this point.

That was it. I had to wake her up. I reached out. I pulled her into the tightest embrace I dared give. "Enough." I said, "Enough of that." It was all I could say. What words could comfort such haunted eyes, such heart-wrenching memories, such a vivid waking nightmare? She gave a little gasp, tensing up under my hold at first. But then she allowed herself to lean into me, releasing a few quiet sniffles of relief as she slowly returned to the present. "Are you back?" I whispered.

"Yes...sorry..." She gathered enough of herself to plough on. "Please...you saved us once already...you made us mere hoofers do the impossible." She pleaded, breaking down into hiccuped sniffling. I could see the desperation in her eyes. She wanted to believe. She wanted to believe so much it hurt. "Please...with your help...we can find a way to make this all okay...I know it...I'm sure of it..." It was the voice of a creature who had lived her entire life enslaved by desperation and fear, of one who was ready to grasp onto any sliver of hope, no matter how impossibly remote the chances.

As I held her, staring at her shoulders as if searching for an answer, I saw them. I felt them. They stared back at me like serpentine eyes, slitted windows into an ugly past. Scars, hiding beneath her soft lavender fur. As she said, there were those from bone-breaking wear and tear under the yoke. But there were more. Whip marks, deep lashes, lots of them, cruel and merciless, so deep the fur above never grew back the same.

Damn. You. A-Who-Its-Not. God da-...no, not here, not in this world. No, it's Me. It's Me damn you. Me. Damn. You.

If I have to rise and become a greater god than you to smite you and damn you to the deepest pits of whatever rainbow-farting hell they have around here again and again for every whip mark, every little bruise and scrape I find upon my little ponies, then so be it, I will not become just any god. I will become the god emperor of ponykind, so help me, me.

Should I even stop to consider what it takes? If all it took to become a god around here was to be the biggest jerk in the land then I'm already over-qualified. Heck, maybe that's all there is to it.

I chuckle to myself bitterly. None of that mattered. Twilight does. She and her ponies. For them I must be whatever they need me to be. For their sake, I had to at the very least, yes, roll with it.

I could have given her an encouraging little speech. I could have told her that if with the power of 1000 ponies I could be a badass frickin' overdude, with all of this world behind me I could be their god emperor of ponykind. I could have told her how I would not only protect them day and night, I would vanquish their every fears to the deepest pits of hell. I'm an actor, I could do all of that with ease.

But fancy monologues were something I'd leave for my enemies. No, for her, I will not speak. I will act.

Besides, Twilight is a strong girl. One look told me that much. She's already survived her life of absolute hopeless misery on macaroons-knows-what godlike strength of will and determination. She didn't need to be saved. She didn't need to be mollycoddled, patronized, to be told everything will be alright. No, she was the one to do the saving. She sought me out here when she could be sitting patiently like the others because she needed to act, because she was ready to take things into her own hands. Or hooves.

As presumptuous as it may sound, I'd go as far as saying she was like me. She wanted, needed to act, to save her race, her world. She simply thinks herself powerless. But with the 'badass frickin' overdude' behind her, she felt had a chance.

Who am I to deny her what I myself have wished for for so long?

"Twilight." I said, holding her steady by her shoulders as I gave her what I suppose was a determined look. "This evil overdude's got a lot of flank to kick, but I'm kind of new to the neighbourhood. I'm going to need somebody to aim my righteous flank-kicking in the right direction. I'm going to need your help." I smile at her, releasing her shoulders and offering her a hand, "Can I count on you to guide my way, Twilight Sparkle?"

"My lord..." She quickly wiped away her tears before giving me a determined smile, taking my hand in both her hooves tightly. "My hooves are yours." As simple and straightforward as I knew she'd be. "I-I'm sorry...for that display. I-I don't know what came over me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I returned her smile as I got up, "Now, let us..." I was interrupted as a fierce flash of bright lilac light claimed my vision. When I finally managed to blink out the spots from my eyes a little lilac orb of light bobbed in the air before me.

This is going to take some getting used to.

"My lord, what is that?" Twilight asked, cocking her head to one side.

"A little proof of our partnership." I reply, taking hold of the little orb of light. Sure enough, my hand clasped around a little figurine of Twilight, standing solemn yet determined, gleaming like a million-faceted amethyst. I showed it to her.

"It's cute..." She murmured, eyeing her miniature self, before blushing furiously, "I-I meant that in an entirely non-narcissistic and absolutely un-weird way!"

"Crystal Heart tells me this makes you one of the Marked Crusaders of Darkness." I explained, before I was interrupted by yet another flash of light.

This time another orb, this one flickering with flames as black as midnight with an eerie greenish and purple glow, descended trailing shadowy embers. Sheesh, talk about colour-coding for convenience.

"That's new..." I murmur as it descended straight towards Twilight.

Twilight gulped before slowly reaching out and grasping it. The light died away on cue, leaving behind yet another little figurine.

This time it was a humanoid figure cloaked in flaming black, seemingly roughly hewn out of jet black onyx, its back set against a beautifully carved 8-sided diamond star. It was the splitting 3-dimensional image of Twilight's mark. As for the humanoid figure, it was one of a rather unsightly, hideous, and repulsive-looking creature with muffin-like bed hair that seemed ready to devour entire worlds. As if to top it all off, it was wearing the most ridiculous grin ever, as if regarding the entire universe as one big joke.

"And...I guess that one's yours." I said, scratching my head. I wonder why Crystal Heart didn't get one?

I could have sworn I heard a faint sniffle from somewhere.

I watched as Twilight appraised the little thing, turning it this way and that as if admiring the light gleaming off its prismatic onyx surface. "That's an MLP." I explained.

"Lemme guess!" She said brightly, "My Little Prince?"

"...Close enough. We'll figure out what it does later" I said, realizing I hadn't even asked Crystal Heart what these did other than look pretty...or hideous. That was fast, I muse. I hadn't expected for another provisional contract to form this quickly. Shouldn't new party members join once every arc or something? Then again, I'm in a land of talking rainbow-coloured ponies, why should I expect anything to follow common sense, let alone dramatic convention? Plus Crystal Heart did mention that there were permanent and eternal contracts which were presumably more involved and more difficult to forge. Besides, I was more concerned about the fact that Twilight's MLP had appeared. This meant she was ready to give me her unswerving loyalty. But...based on what? A half-baked determination backed by mere bravado?

'I should have thought this through a little more' I sighed to myself as I looked outside the nearest ceiling-height crystal window. The aurora borealis glowed magnificently against the galaxy that was the night sky outside. "How long was I out?" I ask, quickly remembering how I had fainted like a ninny. Going by dramatic convention I was estimating anything between 3 days to a week or something ridiculous like that.

"About 2 hours, my lord." Twilight said, affixing her little figurine to her mane, presumably for safekeeping.

"I was expecting you to tell me it's been another 1000 years." I said with a little chuckle. "In that case, what has happened since?"

"Nothing much." Twilight said, "It was getting dark so we carried you back in to the safety of this...palace place? Crystal Heart said she'd take care of you so we let her whisk you off."

"Gee, thanks." I mutter.

"The rest of us just settled into that big room we were all in." Twilight went on, "A hoofful went off exploring to look for food and water and stuff. And a few ponies trained in medicine like Redheart began looking out for and putting aside the sick ones for treatment."

"Not much then." I frowned, "I'd say we order pizza, but I don't know who'd deliver 1000 pizzas this far this late. And it's not Friday night either judging by the state of the laundry. We'll need to try and find everyone something to eat, something other than 1000 year old spells. Just how do you feed 1000 ponies anyway?" I imagined 1000 troughs end-to-end, visible from outer space like the Hadrian wall.

"What you need, my lord, is organization." Twilight said, primly, her horn glowing a bright lilac. A quill and parchment floated past me from what I suppose was my writing desk before settling into a sedate orbit around their new star, Sparkle. "And a quill and parchment. And me, but that goes without saying if I may say so."

"We all know what happened last time I tried eating parchment. I got accused of ruining a mare for marriage no more than seconds after. Now, quills and organization, I have yet to try." I turn to Twilight, "As for you, dear Twilight, I have every confidence you would taste absolutely divine."

"Err...thank you?"

I frown. I feel like my jokes are just being passed off as dark overlord peculiarities. This won't do, this won't do at all. I must do something to establish humour, and soon. Gotta get me some bubble wrap, pronto. "Either way, let's start by going down to check on the ponies in the main hall." I said, "I left my coffin parked there for 1000 years. I need to move it before it gets towed. That would be a grave situation." Oh me.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Twilight asked.

"My jeans." I reply, looking around the room.

"Are you evolving? Is it the hair? Will it spread across your whole body like fur in response to the cold? Cause you look kinda bare." Twilight said, eyes suddenly gleaming dangerously with interest as she shuffled a new piece of parchment, ready to take notes.

"...I'm going to pun hell." I mutter, finding my jeans hanging from a crystal chandelier above. "How the flute did my jeans get there?" Somehow I had the image of Crystal Heart tearing my jeans off and just tossing it high over her shoulder. Haha, that couldn't have happened, right? ...Right?

Something shifted uneasily under my bed.

"They seem to have evolved spontaneous flight." Twilight murmured to herself, scribbling, "Is this perhaps specific to dudes, I wonder."

"Maybe. I just can't seem to keep them on." I sigh as I looked around, "Going by trend, this place has 1000 ladders somewhere. I just need to find_ one_."

* * *

A little bit of fancy lavender-flavour levitation magic saw me dressed and ready to face the world, or at the very least that bit of it that was royal apartment outside what I suppose was now my bedroom. The apartment bore the same regal decor, all crystal arches of royal violet and crimson, interspersed with tall imposing gilded double-doors on one side and a long, impressive gallery of ceiling-height windows on the other.

A scraping noise brought our attention to one side. There, slowly inching towards us across the lushly carpeted floor, was an immense black kettle fashioned in the shape of a dragon's maw.

"Your chamberpot, Master." Crystal Heart muttered, gruffly, from somewhere behind the immense pot, "This is the largest we have. I fear my efforts to safeguard this place against all manner of diarrhoea including the verbal have come short."

I wonder when she teleported away from under the bed. I certainly hope it was before Twilight broke down.

"Ooooh! Crystal Heart!" Twilight squeed with delight, "I've been wanting to speak to you!"

"..." To my surprise Crystal Heart simply looked away, ignoring Twilight without a word as she turned to face me. "I hope my attempts at _toilet _humour were acceptable, Master."

"You make me proud, my apprentice." I beam, ruffling her mane once more. I didn't put her down as the sort to seek my approval, but I was more than happy to oblige. She was quicker to show enjoyment this time too, closing her eyes in an expression of subtle bliss.

"I understand you wish to make haste to the grand hall. This way to the elevator." She said, trotting off ahead of us on her dainty little hooves. That was when I thought I caught sight of something mint green and fluffy peering out at me from inside the chamberpot out of the corner of my eye.

"Master, I could understand your fascination with the chamberpot. But I ask you do not ruin them for marriage too, at least not in public." Crystal Heart said, gesturing for me to hurry along. I quickly obliged, the mint green figure quickly dropping from my mind.

"This wasn't here when I climbed up." Twilight remarked as we found the elevator, a red crystal platform hovering amidst a column of pink light that seemed to extend a long way both up and down. "I had to climb all 100 flights of stairs."

"It has only just resumed full functionality." Crystal Heart said as she stepped onto the platform, gesturing for me to follow. "Please mind the gap."

"Oh, were you still gathering power for it?" Twilight asked, curious.

"No. I just felt like keeping it turned off until just now." Crystal Heart replied, curtly, as classy elevator musicbegan playing.

Both of them seemed too busy talking to pay any attention to the fourth figure who had slunk in after us, slipping in just as what looked like a bright pink magical force field closed shut behind her. It was the mint green unicorn who had very helpfully supplied me with the list of things unicorns couldn't do (except get laid, off course). But when I tried to remember her name all my mind turned up was the blank list she gave me. Rather than having to face the awkwardness of telling her I had forgotten her name, I decided to just treat her like any other fellow elevator passenger, with very willful indifference. My pony companions seemed happy to treat her the same way so I decided to just roll with the crowd.

I sway from side to side to the rhythm of the catchy music as I pondered what to talk about. These elevator scenes demanded awkward small talk, preferably those that had no hope of delving into innuendo. I eyed the hovering seemingly holographic magical display floating in the air before me, presumably the elevator controls, for inspiration...oh, the buttons were all in characters I didn't recognize.

Well, duh, they'd be speaking a language that is about as English as escargot. They're an M&M grab-bag of horses in a magical world of crystals and airships. How I'm able to communicate with them was a bit of a mystery, but one I'm ready to take for granted. Now, the characters, presumably numbers...there was something peculiar about them...

Eh, this is as good an awkward topic as any. There was absolutely no hope in macaroons of innuendo either. "Your numerical system functions on base 5?" I asked.

"Oh? Ah, yes." Twilight quickly nodded. "Wait...did you just work that out? Do you read Equine?"

"No. But you only have 5 numbers that repeat themselves every 5 floors before adding more digits." I nod at the buttons. "Four hooves, no fingers, a quinary numerical system makes sense...at least until you attempt advanced calculus on it, at which point it will spontaneously combust very embarrassingly."

"That is...quite impressive." Twilight gave me a look of interest, "Going by your logic, judging by the fact that you have 10 fingers..."

"...which are sexy by the way, yep!" Our elevator companion spoke up for the first time. "Can you imagine what delicious things 10 fingers can do?" Oh g-..me, how did we get there from discussing numerals?

"Hmmm?" Crystal Heart and Twilight both looked around, before finally sharing a glance and shrugging together. I wonder what that was about.

"...anyway, as I was saying, I'm guessing dudes use base 11?" Twilight asked.

"No, 10 actually." I said. "There was a brief point in our history when we tried using base 11. Our mightiest empire of the time collapsed in on itself, another one almost killed itself from miscalculating the date of the apocalypse, and everybody tried to evade taxes with it. So we've stuck with decimals since."

"That makes base 10 really sexy too, yep!" The stowaway quipped, cheerfully.

"...Twilight Sparkle, I was content with the notion that you are but a simple nerd. You have proven me wrong. By the Overlord if you ever bring that onto Master's bed..." Crystal Heart muttered threateningly.

"B-but, th-that wasn't me!" Twilight squeaked, looking around, perplexed. "A-and why w-would I bring a-anything to my lord's bed?"

"Yeah, no need to bring anything. I love you all as you are." I grin, earning myself an 'eeep' from Twilight. "And Crystal Heart, no need to be racist about it. Nerds are allowed to love too." Interesting, if this place functioned on base 5, then 1000 in my ape decimals wouldn't be such a round neat number in their base 5 (No, I'm not enough of a nerd to work out the radix conversion in my head). I wonder why they used such a specific number then. And more interestingly, whatever rainbow-powered voodoo or witchcraft was translating for me seemed to automatically translate between base 5 and base 10 for my convenience. It was definitely food for thought.

I just hope I'd never have to do any real maths here. Decimals were embarrassing enough.

But more pressingly, I had a suspicion that our stowaway was probably invisible to the other two ponies for whatever reason. Curious. I should ask her about that once I remember her name. Till then I'll just leave her be, she didn't seem like she was about to harm anybody. I gave her a sidelong glance and saw that she was grinning from ear to ear. Yeah, correction, except possibly psychologically.

The elevator had moved of its own accord, confirming my notion that Crystal Heart was the heart of every function in this Empire, even the elevator music. Which means I can blame the pink column of light we were zooming through on her too. Why, why pink? Just, why?

"Pink can't stab you in the back." Crystal Heart said, simply.

Dammit. Alright, if that's how you want to play it, Crystal Heart. I immediately put my imagination into high gear, summoning up the most raunchily saucy image of Crystal Heart and Twilight together on my herd-size bed, getting up to all sorts of inappropriate yet pippin' hot tomfoolery. One even involved a muffin and some bubble wrap.

Crystal Heart said nothing. But I couldn't help but smirk as her cheeks slowly but surely turned a furious red. She even gave a little squeak when the bubble wrap came up. Yes, score one for the perv team. The little exercise has proven two things to me, first of all Crystal Heart was indeed mentally stalking me (which, surprisingly, I had very little qualms about. I hide nothing and, if anything, she does so at her own peril now for I had found a new way to troll her whenever I want) and, more importantly, that standards of hotness were more or less the same around here. It made me think of whether such standards were the same across the multiverse. _'Hey, nice, hot, slick carapace and antennae you got there'_

Crystal Heart seemed very glad when the elevator finally reached its destination, even if it had taken all of a few seconds. This was evident in how quickly she dashed out, very quickly disappearing into the nearest door at the far end of the grand chamber the elevator opened out onto.

"What does that sign say?" I ask Twilight, pointing at the door.

"Ladder cupboard." Twilight replied, cocking her head in puzzlement.

"Must be preparing in case my jeans fly off by themselves again." I chortled with satisfaction. "Now where are..." My attention was quickly stolen by a very familiar popping sound that triggered Pavlovian reflexes hardwired into my very soul.

Bubble wrap where?!

I turned around and found a pile of what looked like black crystalline packing crates tucked away in a side corridor. There, clambering precariously on one crate, rearhooves scrabbling at the smooth crystalline surface, little forehooves hanging to the edge, was a little lilac blob topped by a puff of bright golden mane. In the little figure's snout was a length of what looked like the stuff of gods and legends, bubble-wrap. There was another telltale pop as she chewed it, looking hopeful. Then, looking the very picture of betrayed hope, she spat it out. Her tummy chose that moment to grumble rather loudly, eliciting a squeak of surprise from what I now recognized to be a little filly.

In her surprise at her own tummy she lost her hold on the container's edge. She scrabbled for purchase but only managed to grab the loose bubble-wrap. With a desperate yelp she slipped and fell.

Two strides and I was under her, hands catching her smartly out of the air, swooping her up into a princess carry. Or a football carry, perhaps. Same thing.

"Meep!" She squeaked. A pair of massive gold-rimmed eyes stared up at me in terror. Little upside down hooves scrabbled helplessly at thin air, chest heaving in panic.

"Bubble wrap is deadly in the wrong ha-...hooves. So is the ground." I said, as soothingly as a giant humanoid evil dark lord thing can manage. "Don't worry though, I'll keep you safe from both." I give her a reassuring wink.

"What is it?" Twilight asked, trotting up to me.

"A fellow appreciator of bubble wrap." I said, showing the filly to Twillight. "You know her?" The filly seemed to calm down a little on seeing Twilight.

"No, unfortunately." Twilight murmured. "Are you alright, little one?"

The filly paused as she considered this, looking between me and Twilight, before finally giving a little nod, calming down considerably. "This is Twilight, a unicorn like you." I said, noting the little horn protruding from the mess of blonde mane on the filly's head. "Me? I'm just a giant walking muffin-top." This earned me a quiet giggle from the little filly. "What's your name, princess?" I asked.

"Umm..." She seemed to consider this for a moment as she looked between me and Twilight once more. "Dinky's name is...Dinky Doo." She ventured uncertainly, raising a hoof, "It's, like, Deeenk-ee, Dooo" She illustrated the pronunciation her name with one long flowing wave of her tiny hoof like a little orchestra conductor. "It's...ummm..." Her tiny brows furrowed as she concentrated, tapping her chin with her hoof thoughtfully, "...like the sound a flower makes when it blooms open, or the sound of the sun as it pops into the sky..." She tapped her hooves together as inspiration struck her, "...or the sound of a pony falling in love and living happily ever after. Deenk-eeee, like that."

If diabetes made a sound, it was the warm fluffy silence that followed. For one magical moment, the world seemed perfect and right, lovely and bright. I think my heart just exploded, I died, and shot straight up to heaven on that high speed pink elevator, cheery elevator music and all.

"Sunny was right about one thing then." A voice said behind me. The familiar form of Crystal Heart, once again as cool and composed as a nuclear warhead, had returned, promising swift vengeance. "Your deepest darkest secrets do make skins crawl." And it struck with the force of a nuclear chamberpot to the face.

I was about to open my mouth to fire back a retort when Dinky did it for me. "Silly filly..." Dinky giggled, "Skin can't crawl. It doesn't have any legs." She pointed out in a singsong voice.

This left Crystal Heart's jaw hanging wide open.

"Umm...but legs have skin, but skin doesn't have legs..." The little filly cocked her head from side to side as she tried to think this through.

"The wisdom is strong with this filly." I said, lifting the little filly up. She gave a little squeak, hooves flailing in the air, before she was plopped neatly on my springy nest of muffin-like bed hair.

"What are you doing, Master?" Crystal Heart managed to pick her jaw off the floor long enough to ask me.

"I have equipped Dinky as my genius thinking cap." I explained, This earned me a muffled little giggle from the filly. "Would you please lend this muffin your hoof, Dinky the wise?" I asked her.

She gave a little giggle before nodding, "Dinky will help keep your hair down, Mr. Muffin." She trilled, helpfully.

"She understands my priorities. With our powers combined, we shall be invincible." I nod, confidently.

"I suppose every overlord needs a 5 year-old adviser to point out the flaws in their master plans." Crystal Heart said. "Especially you, Master."

"Excellent idea, Crystal Heart. This, ladies, is your co-overdudette today. Today, her rule is only second to mine." I said, pointing at the little filly on my head. "And for our empire's first decree, I shall defer to her _higher_wisdom. Dinky Doo, what will be our Empire's first big order?" I asked her.

Her tummy gave another loud rumble.

"M-My tummy thinks we should eat." She said, peering over the hedge that was my hair uncertainly, "I-if that's alright...?" She whispered, sounding hopeful.

"The wise co-overdudette and her wiser tummy have given our Empire's first decree. Let it be written, let it be done. Let's eat." I sad, with a nod, causing her to flop a little atop my head.

Twilight gave a little giggle as she scribbled on her list, "Find food. Got it, my lady." she smiled.

"Good call, co-overdudette. Give me a hoof." I raise a hand to her. She hesitated, eyeing my hand for a bit, "Don't leave me hanging, Co-overdudette, I'm relying on you for that hoof." I got a little tap of a little hoof on my hand. "The cool is strong with this one." I said, turning to Crystal Heart. "So, shall we hit on the refrigerator?"

"As long as it is only for food." Crystal Heart said, leading the way back to the elevator. "Come along then, lest we wander these halls forever cursed with indecision."

We turned to leave, but before we did I was sure to grab a length of bubble-wrap and secure it in my pocket, mind racing at all the possibilities. For one, I had unfinished business with Sunset Shimmer...

This time one of the black crystalline crates was waiting for us inside the elevator, not looking suspicious in the slightest. None of the others seemed to pay it any heed, even after a little slot on the front slid open, revealing a pair of radiant gold orbs on a background of mint green fur. C'mon, dudettes...

I was starting to wonder if this was some kind of test. Well, if it was then herd logic was safest, do as the ponies do and be blissful in determined ignorance. Stop staring at me with your sparkly googly eyes, box, you're raining on my zen.

As we traveled further and further down, I couldn't help but notice Twilight shift and fidget uneasily. We had traveled down quite a while, by which point I was confident we were underneath grave depth."Sub-basement 20." Crystal Heart's announcement confirmed it. Yet another circular chamber greeted us with many long corridors leading off. They were just as wide and grand but definitely more utilitarian, consisting of dull white and gray crystal paneling with faintly glowing edges providing most of the subdued lighting. "I ask that you don't venture to the sub-basement levels without my guidance until we achieve full functionality of the Crystal Citadel. Certain areas have become unstable in the 1000 years of inactivity, particularly the gem mines and the Enrichment Centre."

The black container followed us quietly on commendably silent tippyhooves as we in turn followed Crystal Heart down another corridor. I paid it no more heed than my companions. Crystal Heart was busy guiding us. Twilight, on the other hand, was still looking on edge, ears drooping low, posture stooped. I knew for a fact that horses placed in restricted spaces become stressed very quickly. I wonder if ponies of this world were in any way similar. If yes then underground construction would be as unorthodox as flying cloud cities. Which begs the question, why does this place have at least 20 sub-basements if it was built by ponies?

"This is the emergency storage silo." Crystal Heart announced on reaching a tall rectangular red panel in the wall that stood out from the rest.

"Silo number 4?" I asked, having learned all 5 Equine numbers from the elevator. "Good to know we have a few."

"Numbers 4 and above contain our emergency supplies. The other 3 contain...other...things." Crystal Heart's voice faltered a little, fidgeting uneasily. Was that her blushing again? She cleared her throat uncomfortably, "I shall have those cleared up post-haste." Her horn glowed a little. In response the panel turned a bright emerald green before sliding open.

A series of lights flooded the darkness within, revealing what looked like neat rectangular high-ceilinged crystalline chamber cut out of a natural rocky chasm. But what was most striking were the gigantic multi-coloured crystal blossoms arrayed all across the room.

Twilight gasped in awe. "I agree. I don't want to see the bees that pollinate these flowers." I mutter, my eyes slowly getting used to the brilliant colours emanating from each blossom. "So, tell me, should I feel peckish in the night and come down to your refrigerator for a midnight snack, should I make my sandwich with a jackhammer or a bulldozer?"

"Neither. These storage units are easy to use." Crystal Heart stepped up to the nearest blossom, a big crimson one, which immediately bloomed majestically. She reached up to its multi-faceted petals. With a touch of a hoof one heart-shaped facet lit up and slid out. She caught the facet in a glow of cyan levitation magic, a brilliant gem in its own right, and lifted it up to me.

I looked down at heart-shaped gem, seeing myself and Dinky cartoonishly reflected on its surface. Behind our reflections a cluster of what looked like big fat apples sat frozen in apparent stasis. I heard Dinky lick her lips hungrily, heck, I could feel her drool on me.

"The whole crystal theme is cute." I said, "What's next? Are we all going to start pooping gems? Especially if we start eating these?"

"As long as you eat your fiber you'll be spared any immediate side-effects." Crystal Heart said reassuringly, tapping the gem thrice with a hoof. It almost instantly dissolved into little flickers of light, leaving three apples in my arms.

"1000 years old never looked this good." I grin, seeing myself reflected in the glossy juicy apple. "So the gems preserve food too?"

"Indeed, Master. They are as good as the day they were frozen." Crystal Heart nodded. "As you may have noticed, that is our Empire's secret, the versatility of our gem magic. Everything from construction, transport, defense to food processing, absolutely everything has a crystalcraft solution."

"Huh, even impotence?" I asked, "This I gotta see." I brushed one of the apples on my sleeve before passing it up to Dinky who immediately latched on with her little hooves. The jumbo apple was almost the size of her head. "Go on, Dinky, dig in."

"C-can D-Dinky really...?" She squeaked in disbelief. "B-but i-isn't t-this yours?"

"Nope, it's yours." I said.

"M-mine..." She whispered, fidgeting a little atop my head, "My...apple...D-Dinky has...D-Dinky's never even...seen one...this close..." I felt a few wet droplets drip onto my head.

"Wh-whoah, hey, watch the waterworks, kiddo." I reached up to pat the little pilly on her back, "What's wrong?"

"I-It's...it's my first...my first _mine_..." She whispered. I saw her smile through her tears in her reflection on the nearby crystal blossom. "A-and it's...it's the most beautifulest shiniest apple ever..."

Whoaaaaaah now. This filly had never had anything of her own, let alone an apple?! What is _wrong_ with this world?!

"Pears..." Twilight said, peering into a nearby green blossom, "Carrots..." She looked over at a bright orange one, "This is...this is amazing." She breathed, "We would never, ever dared have dreamt...I've only ever seen these in books..."

"Whoah...you're serious, aren't you? All of you?" I asked, tossing Twilight an apple and placing one on top of the black container that was now closely studying a blossom containing ripe bananas. "What...what the macaroons does Who-Snot feed you all?"

"Uhh...dry hay. We consider ourselves lucky when it's not mouldy or bad. That's all we hoofers get to eat." Twilight said, splitting her apple in two with a burst of magic from her horn, "Sometimes there are fresh weeds and grass to eat, and when we're allowed to wander out we try and gather roots, wild fruits, maybe even clovers if we're lucky." She smiled wistfully at some long, distant memory, "Mom used to take me and Sunny out to the hills behind Canterlot to gather fresh alfalfa and dandelions whenever she could get permission. She used to give us all the alfalfa. We used to hate them." She chuckled to herself, "We...didn't understand what a luxury it was." She offered me half her apple.

I accepted it, hesitantly. I eyed the morsel in my hand. Indebted as I was, I would not have given an apple too much of a thought. But here...

"Hey, eat up." I mutter, looking up at the filly atop my head, who was still staring at her apple in disbelief. "I want 'Dinky' to be the sound of a happy filly with a full tummy." I said, looking around at the rows upon rows of food storage blossoms. "You'll have as much as you could ever want, and more." I said. 'And when you grow up, all of this world will be yours for the picking' I silently promised.

"R-really...Dinky...Dinky can eat this one?" Dinky whispered, hesitating to hope.

"Yes." I said as I allowed my mind to sink deep in thought once more. Dinky...what sort of life had she lived?

"Mmmm...i-it's s-shooo g-g-good...t-thank y-y-you...t-thank y-you so muuch..." There was a squeak of pure happiness. I felt a new flood of tears wet my tears. I watched the child's reflection cry tears of bliss as she nibbled her first apple ever very, very carefully, as if afraid she might lose it or, worse, wake up from the dream. No child should have to remember her first apple ever. No child should ever have to cry tears of happiness over it.

Dinky...Oh, holy son of a submariner...If every grownup mare present were virgins then by definition every single filly here have been separated from their mothers and most definitely their fathers. Did some of them have relatives here at least? Come to think of it, Sunset Shimmer brought them here. From what I've heard of her, did she seem the sort to kidn-...I mean filly-nap fillies from their parents?

No.

My heart sank. That leaves one obvious and heartbreaking answer, they're all orphans.

How would I...even begin to ask Dinky? No, more importantly, what do I do about all the fillies?

"Crystal Heart," I called out to my assistant who was busy lowering more blossoms from higher storage racks.

"Yes, Master?" She asked.

"Add this to the list as well, Twilight." I nodded at her.

"Ready, my lord." Quill and parchment flew out at the ready.

"Crystal Heart, Twilight, this will be our first priority once we've secured our supplies." I said, "We need to gather every single pony that qualifies as a filly in the warmest dormitory we have here." My serious tone thankfully precluded any quips from my loyal assistant. "If they have a grownup relative or friend, let them come along. Tell them they will be taken somewhere safe and warm and given food and a place to sleep. I want them reassured and fed well. Hmmm...And within the next day or two I want a list of their names and the names of their parents and close relatives if they know them. We will put them all up on a notice board in case they have relatives amongst the mares." I said. "Did I miss anything?"

"Ah, that was very thorough, your highnessness." A new voice said. We all turned and found a blonde-maned pegasus with a coat the colour of the light dawn sky standing by the door. "I'm sorry, my bad, I kind of eavesdropped." She smiled sheepishly, looking up at me through bright gold eyes. One eye seemed to wander a little, lagging behind the other. I could almost taste the diabetes rise up from my heart and clog up my mind with cotton candy fuzziness. "I'm Ditzy, your highnessness. Ditzy Doo."

"I sensed your approach but not your purpose." Crystal Heart said, "What are you doing here?"

"I came because I was worried your highnessness was being followed by something or other. But it looks like it's kinda gone now." Ditzy said, looking about worriedly.

"How did you find your way here?" Twilight asked.

"I followed a trail." Ditzy replied, proudly, pointing at a trail of what looked like...bubble wrap bits? Left behind like a trail of bread crumbs leading out the door?

"The only elevator activity logged in the past 1000 years was ours followed by you coming down after us." Crystal Heart said. "And I detected no activity in the halls other than ours."

"Including this?" I asked, pointing at the black crate behind us. There, sitting with her rearhooves hanging over the edge of the crate, legs crossed gracefully, wide grin cradled in one hoof, a half-eaten apple in the other, was our master stalker. It was then when her name finally snapped into my mind, "Ms. Lyra Heartstrings." I said, earning myself an even wider grin from her.

"Oh yeah! That's her!" Ditzy said, pointing at Lyra. "You're the one I was following."

"Who...what...how did..." Crystal Heart gasped, losing her cool almost completely for the first time, her eyes widening perceptibly as she lowered herself into a defensive stance. Her cyan wings flared brilliantly, fine feathers bristling angrily. "How did you hide yourself from my crystal-sense?! Who are you?!" She barked, glaring daggers at Lyra. "Why were you following our Emperor?!"

"It's alright, Crystal Heart, I saw her follow us from my room." I said, waving at my loyal assistant to stand down. I don't think I should tell her Lyra was hiding in the chamber pot she herself was pushing. If she was reacting this badly she'd probably never live that down. "She was in the elevator with us. If she really meant us any harm, she would have long since gotten away with it."

"Wait...really?" Twilight blinked. "When did she get in? I never saw her." She strained her eyes on the mint green mare, as if daring her to turn invisible on the spot.

"Fingers are sexy. 10 fingers even more so, yep." Lyra winked at Twilight. "Oh, and it's 'Lyra, just Lyra.', your dudeness." She gave me a little bow.

"I detect no magic from you. What trickery is this?" Crystal Heart demanded, still not letting her guard down around our stalker.

"Oh, nope, nope, no magic." Lyra shrugged, "I'm what everypony calls a 'background pony', the 'blank sheet' if you will, yep. I've always been difficult to notice, unless you're looking out for me or I try really hard to be noticed...or if somepony points me out." She nods at me with a knowing grin. "As for why, I just wanted to learn more about our new Master." She leapt off her crate, apple lifted in her unicorn magic, before she slinked over towards me.

"Stay away from my Master!" Crystal Heart leapt in front of her, wings flared wide, horn glowing threateningly.

"He's mine too." Lyra said, cooly. "What's wrong? Unhappy that something's outside your control for once?"

"How dare you?! I am the administrator of Master's Empire! Everything within must submit to his absolute control!" She growled, her horn taking on a menacing crackle. Lyra seemed to take this as a challenge as she slowly lowered herself into a defensive stance of her own, pawing her hoof at the ground, though thankfully without lighting up her own horn.

"Enough, you two." I said, realizing the atmosphere was heating up faster than a mexican chilli stand on fire. Looks like I'm the appointed firedude for now, at least until I find ponies with a knack for chewing gum and kicking flank. "Crystal Heart, she means no harm. She helped me out personally before." I nod at Crystal Heart who very slowly, very reluctantly lowered her wings and dimmed her horn. She still eyed Lyra cautiously, brilliant mind racing behind her sterling eyes. "And you, Lyra, you could have announced yourself and spared us all this. I think you owe Twilight, Ditzy and Crystal Heart an apology."

"Alright, I'm sorry, Ms. Sparkle, Ms. Doo, Ms. Heart." Lyra said, grin lighting up once more. "I just wanted to demonstrate my talent to you, your dudeness. I'm hoping it'll be useful to you one day, yep." She turned to the still bristling Crystal Heart, "And I really am sorry, Ms. Heart. I'll even prove to you I mean no harm to our master, nope."

She stepped up to me, giving me a long slow gaze. Then, with a deep breath, she gave a sudden low bow, not a curtsy, but a bow, "I have long dreamt of your coming, my master. Allow me reintroduce myself. I am Lyra Hearstrings, and all I wish is to be your ever willing servant."

A brilliant minty flash of light lit up the entire chamber. A very energetic little orb of lime-green light zoomed around my head, trailing flickers of light. Dinky reached a hoof out to paw at it and was greeted by a playful boop on her nose by the orb. It zoomed on, pausing to nuzzle my cheek teasingly with its warmth, before willingly spiralling into my waiting hand. The light dissipated to leave behind a miniature gleaming emerald Lyra, frozen mid-playful-prance.

Huh, that's three now. I might have to have a chat with Crystal Heart about how easy this seemed to be. I honestly felt I should have to work harder at earning these. But then I remembered who it was they were believing in. It was someone, anyone, who wasn't A-Whose-Snot. And perhaps for them that was enough. Or was there more to it than that?

Come to think of it, in Lyra's case, that seemed to be the case. There was almost certainly something else she was after, just like Twilight. Twilight wanted my help to save her world. Now, what could Lyra want...?

I eyed the mint-green mare reaching out for the jet black flaming orb descending towards her. She was quick to pull out the little humanoid figurine, identical to Twilight's, and pull it into a tight embrace in her hooves. However, instead of an 8-sided star, Lyra's was set against what looked like a cute little lyre carved of bright jasper, matching the mark on her flank. Oh hey, there was some actual order to this voodoo.

"So, would you like to call the jury, or should I?" I said aside to Crystal Heart. "Might run out of parking space with the amount we'd need. The MLP is kind of hard evidence, isn't it?"

"Hmph..." She shook her head, "I would exercise caution around her, Master. She may be absolutely loyal, but even in loyalty there is still danger of a different sort."

"You worry for me too much." I smile, patting her comfortingly.

"Because you don't worry enough, Master." She huffed.

"My very own Em-El-Pee is proof enough, right?" Lyra asked, waving Crystal Heart her MLP. Looks like she had been stalking us for longer than I knew.

"If you know what that is then you have been spying on us for much too long." Crystal Heart muttered, voicing my thoughts, "But yes, you have proven your loyalty to our Master, I will grant you that. I advise you exercise more discretion, however. Under the previous Emperor you would be on your way to the gallows now."

"Thank you, Ms. Heart. You're kind, yep." She grinned widely once more. "And I'm sorry for worrying you, Ditzy." She said, a lot more earnestly, to the dawn-blue pegasus.

"Oh, no, it was nothing at all." Ditzy said, graciously, rubbing one forehoof on another. "I just wanted to help, that's all."

"Thank you, Ditzy, for worrying about us." I said, feeling it had to be said. An idea came to me. "You seem to be interested in my plans for the fillies. Would you like to take charge of that?"

"Oh, really? I...I can help?" Ditzy's eyes lit up brightly.

"Yeah. What do you think, Co-Overdudette?" I asked looking up at Dinky.

Dinky quickly swallowed her morsel of apple before patting her chin with a hoof thoughtfully. "Ummm...Ms. Ditzy's really brave, she came down to keep us all safe from the box. And that box really is very very bad." She said, shivering a little as she remembered her last encounter with the crate. "And she can see what everypony else can't. She's a good filly."

"Couldn't have put it better, Co-overdudette." I said, "How about it, Ditzy?"

"Y-yes! Please, I mean, Y-your highness!" Ditzy's wings fluttered, presumably a sign of excitement. Hmmm, flaring means anger, fluttering means excitement? This demands further study. I filed this away under 'Very Important' and 'Need Test Subjects'.

I nod over at Twilight who immediately began scribbling. "Ditzy's on filly duty, got it." She nodded. "I will help gather their names and details and organize the bulletin board." She offered.

"I will help her with finding them all and organizing their place to stay." Crystal Heart said. "Master considers the fillies very important. As such they are of greatest importance to me too."

"And I'll keep them all well fed and happy." Lyra offered, chomping down her apple core. "Nopony, much less fillies, should ever have to go hungry, nope!"

"Well done, you four." I nod at them all. "No child should ever have to be alone." Never again.


End file.
